Twelve months ago today

Can you recall where you were precisely to the moment twelve months ago today?

I can. To the minute.

I remember the thunder storm, I remember the DVDs, I remember reading a book on a bench in Cardiff Bay. I remember the sound of laughter through tears. I remember sunshine through the rain.

But most of all I remember the gut wrenching moment my beautiful best friend told me she was dying and that I would lose her forever.

I've never known pain like that moment.
I've never known love like that moment.
I've never known fear like that moment.
And I've never known numbness like that moment.

A year ago today my life both ended and begun, a simultaneous act of existence that will remain with me forever. For it was in learning that I would lose her that I finally understood what it was to know her, to be the other half of her and to be the person she wanted to protect her. It was in learning that I had failed to keep her safe that I finally understood how to  keep her warm and it was in learning of her upcoming death that I finally understood what it was to keep her alive.

To my beautiful Emma who has defied the odds every single day, remember that I will always treasure that day. That moment where through the haze of words I wasn't strong enough to comprehend you reached up and wiped away my tears. You told me we would be strong together and that not even death could separate us.

Twelve months have passed. You're still fighting. I'm still struggling. We're still the other half of each other's soul. You're mine, I'm yours and the love and friendship we share, well that can never die.

It's you and me. Just like forever. Just like always. Just like eternity.

And that moment, a year ago today, remains ingrained in my heart, and in my mind, and will stay there, heading up a movie stream of memories of you that will keep me warm long after you've departed this mortal place.

You wiped my tears and I've wiped yours. Just as it should be. Just as it was. Just as it will be again.

A year ago today changed my world. I remember each moment with crystal clarity.

Never forget where you've been and the people who've held your hand along the way; you never know who may no longer be there to light the way for you where you're going next.

I love you Emma x x x

Halloween darkness

I should adore Halloween.

I'm the girl who is obsessed with demons, vampires and witches, with gremlins and ghouls and things that go bump in the night.

Yet that's not what Halloween means to me.

I don't like the fancy dress costumes, the pumpkins or the trick or treating. I don't appreciate people setting out with the intention of frightening me with creepy tales.

So what does Halloween mean to me?

It reminds me that monsters aren't the fairytale beasts hiding under the bed nor the spooky presences that shimmer through the shadows. The monsters in our reality are not something that would look at home in a costume shop.

Our monsters are human beings.

They're the rapists, murderers and abusers that walk the streets amongst us. Our monsters don't wear masks or fancy dress. They're just wondering the winding path beside us like they've always belonged.

It's not Halloween that scares me, instead it is the brutal reminder that it's not the darkness we should be afraid of but those that walk alongside us in daylight.

Who am I?

Who am I?

Sounds like a simple enough question to ask but for me it's no longer an easy one to answer. I've always been very clear on who I am, what I stand for and where I'm heading. However now I can clearly state that is no longer the case.

I look myself in the eye when I stare into the mirror and I swear I no longer know the girl staring back at me.

I've always been someone who pushes myself, someone who would happily work every hour in the world if I could see what I was working for and I would commit myself to a project without question.

In the past few months I've had all of that repeatedly thrown back in my face over and over again. I've been forced to question everything I know and everything that I am.

My conclusion: Even I don't like the person I've become. I'm not entirely sure how to live with that, and I tell you now I've never been more disappointed in myself than I am right now.

Who even am I anymore?

Busy Times

So blogging has not been something that's seemed important to me recently, not because I don't like to blog but mainly due to my life becoming somewhat hectic in the last few months.

I guess it's easy when things are going well to forget what the difficult times are like, but let me tell you when they hit you they hit you hard.

With a work schedule that sees me up half the night on a good day it wouldn't have taken much for me to be knocked off course, and yet what actually happened in my life - whilst not seemingly dramatic to others - was significant enough to make me question everything that I hold dear.

I don't have a bad life, nor do I have a tough life, but what I do have is far more responsibility than I ever dreamed of having added to some immense pressures from other angles.

Basically a perfect storm of sleepless nights, feeling lousy and the ever changing sand shifting beneath my feet. No wonder I'm more tired now than I've ever been before.

For a while I truly started to look at myself in the mirror and wonder who I was, because the eyes staring back at me seemed to have no relation to the madness in my head. However slowly but surely I am beginning to take back little bits of myself with every passing day.

There have been some small minor victories, and some larger ones, there has been laughter as well as tears, and most importantly I'm beginning to realise what truly matters to me.

I think for the first time in a long time I have started to comprehend that I can do this. That I'm still me. And that somewhere inside me I'm a lot tougher than I give myself credit for.

Don't get me wrong, I've had more than one moment where I wanted to tell the world to sod off, crawl back under my blanket and enjoy the darkness but now every single thing I tick off my to do list is a positive step.

Today is a good day.

Gandi once said that you must be the change you wish to see within the world. I want the world to be a better place, therefore I've spent some time healing and I'm almost back, ready and raring to face the world once more.

To everyone who I have shut out, I look forward to catching up. To the people who are still there beside me, in spite of all my dark moods and angst, you'll never know how much that means to me.

I never want a summer like this again. However I will be stronger for it, and now I can face the future knowing I have a plan.

I'm glad I made it this far, there's still miles to go before I sleep but it's a start right?

Sorry for the rambling post, it's just sometimes what I really need to do is write things down. If I can put words to how I'm feeling, then I know I can begin to comprehend it, and recently I've been missing a whole heap of words. I'm just starting to have an understanding of what I'm feeling, where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. And now I can voice it I know what it is that I need to do.

Dark Noise

Sometimes the words just need to get out of my head. Sometimes the feelings and emotions just get all jumbled up. 

Dark noise

The dark tentacles of the imminent night drew down across the sky, strangling the last remaining elements of sunset that reddened the horizon, bringing with them a stillness that gave a cool glaze to the bare skin of her arms. Her unblinking eyes, puffy from the icy grip of the now ever present salty tears, stared longingly into the distance, desperately willing the blackness drowning out the light to envelop her completely. Her fingers danced a light touch across her wrist, drawing strength from the knowledge that the uneven surface they skimmed across was the result of her own rhythmic handiwork and yet she knew that her control was diminishing with every passing moment.

Instinctively she shuddered, the cold air seeping through her cotton pyjamas and bleeding into every fibre of her being. The intense ache that circled her jarred agonisingly against her aching bones and she sunk to her knees, curling herself up into a tiny ball in a failed attempt to shut out the world. She screwed her eyes up, overcome with a desire to quell the omnipresent noise that raged like thunder inside her head. Her mind had been racing for what felt like a lifetime, thoughts of all that she had lost, all that she had to lose and all that she would leave behind growing louder by the second until they consumed her.

The silent scream that escaped her lips caused her to break, a flood of emotion rushing out of her as if a dam had inextricably burst, pooling around her on the ground. Her eyes fluttered momentarily before they wedged themselves firmly shut, closed for eternity as the tension in her body climaxed fleetingly before draining completely leaving her sprawled lifelessly in the peace of the dark forevermore. 

June Challenge: 30 days of blogging

I completed the 30 days of blogging challenge on Sunday, bringing to conclusion an interesting month of frequent postings and random musings on predetermined subjects. I only really started the process to see where it would take me but actually I've learned some interestingly striking things along the way that I thought I would share.

Firstly I've learned that when I'm being a stroppy cow I find it difficult to focus on a specific subject when the topic has been dictated to me. As a result a number of my postings were delayed whilst I worked hard to convince my brain to comply with what was required.

Secondly I've learned that I do not like to fail at anything so even when I got behind on posting on a few occasions I refused to give up and stayed up late to catch up on the entries I missed. It turns out that I set quite high expectations on myself and no one is harder on me than I am when I do not achieve these.

I also learned that I hate being told what to do as whether I was being asked to rant about something or just post a picture it was never what I felt like doing and I almost ended up eyeing my blog suspiciously to see if it had ulterior motives for making me deal with a particular topic.

Lastly I found the whole process vaguely cathartic in that by being pushed to consider what it is that I love, memories of my past and my concerns or worries about the future I managed to get some concepts down on paper that had been rattling around inside my head for a while. It's always nice to be reminded of a happy childhood moment and whilst less lovely it is incredibly timely for me to be considering my emotional status.

All in all the process both made sense to me but also completely frustrated me. However it has kept me blogging this past month and that at least is something I wish to continue.

June Challenge: Day 30: My reaction to the term: Letting Go

Day 30, Sunday:  My reaction to the term: Letting Go

What does letting go mean? Letting go means permitting something or someone to leave without arguing about it or trying to prevent them. It means losing my best friend to a terrible terminal medical condition but doing it with the most positive attitude that I can so that she doesn't have to watch me cry. 

Letting go is the hardest thing in the world to do because sometimes all you want to do is dig your heels in, throw a strop and tell the world to sod off because you want whatever it is to stay. 

I don't think I can give a coherent answer to this right now because the very concept of letting go of Emma and allowing her to die with good grace and dignity is something I have to do, even though every part of me wants to grab her by the hand and hold onto her sobbing my heart out until its all over. 

What do you do when the very thing you are being asked to let go is the one thing you know you can't live without? These days I get pissed off, I cry and I get angry - I hate that I am no longer in control of my own emotions but with everything else bubbling just underneath the surface I can't do anything different right now.

Soon I will have to let her go. Now I just have to hold her hand and hope that for now at least she stays.

June Challenge: Day 21: A list of links to my favorite posts on my blog.

Day 21, Friday: A list of links to my favorite posts on my blog.

So this is delayed from Friday, but never mind. My five current favourite posts from this blog. I think each speaks for itself if you read them. 

Longleat - Animal Magic

My favourite poem - Desiderata

My favourite quotes - June Challenge 4

Childhood stories & finding Heidi - June Challenge 18

Glasgow, sitting and the wonderful Toni

June Challenge: Day 20: Get real

Day 20, Thursday: Get real. Share something I’m struggling with right now.

Apologies for the delay. I have been putting off writing this for days, not because I did not know what to say but more that I was not sure how to say it. Things have gone very well for me this week, in terms of getting where I wanted to be - or at least thought I wanted to be, and yet ever since I have had this feeling that I am drowning under the weight of expectation. 

I have not been able to work out if this is just a result of me being worried about the pressure and stress to come, plus the consequential workload heading in my direction, or whether there is something more to it. All I know right now is that I am doubting my ability to cope.

The strangest part of all this is that everyone else around me is telling me I can do this, in fact each person who I count as someone I respect has individually told me how much they wanted me to get where I have and how they feel they cannot do this without me. I know I should be taking this as a compliment and enjoying basking in the glory of having people support me, but their words are having the opposite impact. If anything they feel like they are pushing me further under the water and preventing me from resurfacing. 

There is now so much at stake and so many people riding on me getting things working that I appear to have lost all confidence in what I do. I know deep down I love my life, my career and everything within it but right now I just want to turn out the lights, snuggle under the covers and wake up next year. 

What do you do when at the moment in time everyone around you places their trust in you to make things better you lose faith in yourself? Am I full of self-doubt for no reason? After all I would put my trust in the decisions of these people for every other matter that counts so why do I not believe them now? Or are their loyalties misplaced and am I about to royally screw up? 

I've had to make some tough calls the past few weeks and have stood up to be counted on more than one occasion. Usually I can trust my own judgement above other people's and I know myself inside and out. So why right now when I really need me to work hard, make decisions and steer this ship do I appear to have forgotten how to steer?

Drowning is not a pleasant sensation but I seem to have lost what little ability I had to swim. 

Save me? Or at least remind me how to save myself?

June Challenge: Day 19: Going off challenge

My blog post from yesterday was meant to be about blogs that I read but that turned out to be something I could not answer very effectively. It's not that I don't read blogs, more that with the exception of two friends who blog a lot there aren't particular blogs I follow. I tend to be led to someone's page by a link being tweeted to me and as a result I couldn't name my top 5.

That having been decided I needed to work out what to do in terms of the blog challenge that meant I wasn't skipping days out. So here I am writing yesterday's blog post and so far it's about nothing in particular.

I guess I could come up with something eminently suitable if I really put my mind to it but where is the fun there? Instead I'm just rambling whilst on a train on my way to work, which is where I write most of my blogs. It's the hour of my day when all I can do is sit back and think; something which I've acknowledged before I don't do enough of.

Did this blog hit the challenge? No.
Did you learn anything significant about me from this post? No.
Was it worth reading? For you right now probably not.

However for me today with my head so crowded with confusion, noise and stress you have no clue how useful it is to occasionally just put down exactly what is in my head on paper and allow myself to ramble wherever my mind takes me.

Off challenge and off topic but clearing my mind was worth it.

Desiderata

Sometimes you just read something that touches your heart and moves your soul. If ever you were going to have a way to live your life it is by the words of the poem in the link below. 

Today I've been thinking a lot, especially about the people that matter the most to me. Emma, Toni, Brooke, Abbey. Those who've been there for me and those I've tried to be there for. 

I wish I could be the person who lived up to the words in this. To two of you I say thank you so much for the past few days, to two of you I apologise more than you'll ever know. 

We are all children of the universe. Be yourselves. I love you for that. It is a beautiful world, its just sometimes we can't see it.

"Desiderata - Words for Life by Max Ehrmann

June Challenge: Day 18: Tell a story from my childhood

Day 18, Tuesday: Tell a story from my childhood. I will try to dig deep and try to be descriptive about what I remember and how I felt.

When I was six years old we went on a family holiday to Weymouth. When I say we I mean myself, my parents and Tink, who was 2 1/2 at the time. We stayed in a guesthouse on the sea front and had some great times. We sat on the beach, we went to a model train place (Pecorama) in Beer, and generally enjoyed ourselves. We played mini golf one night at what felt to me like midnight but was probably just 6pm or something. We ate fish and chips, ice cream and laughed a lot. 

I have real memories of smiling a lot that holiday but one memory stands out more than most. We met a girl called Heidi in the guesthouse who was a little older than I was and I thought she was amazing, in that I want to be just like her because she is perfect kind of way. My family and I spent the day at a Sea Life Centre which was brilliant and whilst there Tink and I had our faces painted. I was so happy and thought I was the coolest girl in the world, especially when Heidi smiled at me on my return. 

When I had to leave for home I was gutted I wasn't going to see Heidi again, but then this wonderful thing happened. In a shop we found a little cuddly rabbit that lived in a little white plastic log. It was small, cute and had pink ears and a pink tail. The little white plastic log had the name "Heidi" printed on it, the rabbit was named after the girl I had so adored. 

To this day that little rabbit is my most prized possession. It has traveled the country and the world with me, it has jumped out of a plane with me and it has stayed in my sleeve though every interview, exam and stressful situation in my life. Heidi sleeps beside me each night and I cannot imagine my world without her, and every now and then I remember that my little rabbit is a reminder of the little girl I once knew and the first time I really looked up to someone. 

The best part of it all is that the week in Weymouth was one I recall as being so very happy, a time when my family seemed to have a perfect smiley time and I can look back with fondness both on that week and all my memories of when my little Heidi has helped me out of a hole.

June Challenge: Day 16: Something difficult about my "lot in life"

Day 16, Sunday: Something difficult about my "lot in life" and how I’m working to overcome it

My life isn't difficult, not really. I mean don't get me wrong things aren't always easy but they aren't bad either. I am very much a believer that we all go through our own "stuff", which can't be compared in size, volume or type to anyone else's and that it isn't what we go through that counts but how we pick ourselves up after it. 

For me at the moment my biggest challenge is that I am about to lose the person I love most and I'm not sure how I will cope once that day is here. The enormity of the weight of sadness I know will hit me is far too big to comprehend right now and it isn't going to be something I can just pick myself up from and carry on. 

I cannot change that she is going to die, unfortunately all options as far as that is concerned have been exhausted. All I can do is continue to love and support her, be there for her and help her make plans because she is getting weaker by the day and I hate seeing her in pain. 

I know that when the time comes she will have to leave and I will be left behind, yet I know that I will have to cope, carry on and live my life - not just because that is what she wants me to do but because that is what I need to do. We should have had a whole life of friendship together to enjoy everything we wanted to do, so I owe it to her to live life as I have always planned to. I will take each day as it comes, I will cherish the memories I have of our time together and I will just keep on putting one foot in front of the other. 

I don't want to lose her but in that I have no choice. Instead all I can do is keep going, living my life as I would always have done and knowing that when the wind rustles in the leaves right beside me my beautiful girl is there whispering in my ear. 

June Challenge: Day 15: A favorite photo of myself and why

Day 15, Saturday: A favorite photo of myself and why

Okay so this was meant to be Monday's post but I've moved today's one till then instead and you will understand why when you read it. I am not a fan of photographs of myself really because I am not in the least bit photogenic but sometimes I take a picture and because of the context I am happy to post it. As you will have seen very few photos of me over the time you might have known me, I thought I would add a little selection.

These pictures were taken at the Grand Canyon in Summer 2010. It was the most amazing holiday of my life and I have epic memories of how wonderful it was.

We spent a lot of time exploring the ridges but also took a helicopter down into the canyon itself. At one point I even started scrambling down the rocks and ended up on a rock jutting out. It was magical. 

June Challenge: Day 14: Ten things that make me really happy

Day 14, Friday: Ten things that make me really happy

This is an interesting one to ask today of all days, which is also why I didn't answer it yesterday when it was due. However as stressful as the past few days have been I do have reasons to smile, some of which I've listed here.

1. Making a difference at work
2. Watching a television programme I love
3. Taking time to sit back and enjoy life
4. Unexpected messages from someone I wanted to hear from
5. Weekends away with good friends
6. Spending family time with my mum and Tink
7. Snuggling up with Emma as she snuffles in her sleep
8. Bonkers fictional conversations at 3am with Toni
9. Writing scripts and fanfic, especially at midnight
10. Knowing that someone is there for you when you really need support

June Challenge: Day 17: ‘A Day in my normal life’

Day 17, Monday: ‘A Day in my normal life’ (I will include photos from throughout my typical day - this could be "a photo an hour")

Okay so this was meant to be Saturday, but Saturday is never a typical day for me. In fact this Saturday was a wear a onesie and lounge on sofa sort of day so I am not sure you would have found it interesting. On that basis I went for a Monday instead. 

Can you tell the story of my day through these pictures? I have to say these do show a fairly standard day for me. 

June Challenge: Day 13: Issue a public apology

Day 13, Thursday: Issue a public apology. This can be as funny or as serious or as creative as I want it to be.

Me? 
Apologise? 

Some people might think that is a laugh because they don't think I say sorry enough or to the right people. Truth is I say it all the time. In recent days I've had to say sorry to so many people it's untrue and most of that was me taking responsibility for things that were beyond my control. Sometimes though people just need someone to own a decision and give people a focus, so that's been me and whilst I've had no choice but to do it through gritted teeth it was the right thing to do and therefore I was willing to stand there and say sorry. 

A lot of people have asked me to say sorry for other things and where I felt it was the right thing to do I did exactly that. I also offered my take on the situation when asked and agreed we needed to all go that extra mile to make sure it never happened again. I'm very much against nastiness and unpleasantness so the chance to have it stop was one I would never have turned down, and as a result I've made some new friends - albeit slightly hyper ones (my fellow fangirlers I'm talking about you here). 

I am genuinely grateful that olive branches were extended and accepted, that peace was restored and that all became well with the world. I am happy to stand up and say sorry for the antagonism I caused the few involved because I believe that as much as I had rubbish thrown at me I did throw a lot back. I am sorry for that and they know it. 

There is only one group of people who I will not apologise to. Those are the ones who have a problem with who I am or what I think. If I say something that someone deems offensive I am happy to discuss it, I'm even happy to be challenged on it but please don't ever tell me what I can and can't think. If you explain your point of view to me I may end up even agreeing with you, but that doesn't mean I am not entitled to my opinion. 

I mean I said a particular fandom had a bizarre definition of normal. For the record I still believe we do but as part of that fandom I own that as much as anyone else, I am also amused by it as much as anyone else. I mean if you've been on twitter recently on Saturdays you will understand! I do apologise for the offence caused to the few who took it personally but to the rest of us who seem to spend a lot of time prepared to do all kinds of madness I say enjoy the crazy and I won't apologise for thinking we are all a bit bonkers!

June Challenge: Day 12: What do I miss?

Day 12, Wednesday: What do I miss? (a person, a thing, a place, a time of my life...)

Who do I miss? 
I miss the people who are important to me when they aren't around. Right now that means I'm missing my fix of Tink because she is in New York with Leigh and even though I don't see her every day when she is at home she is always there. I also missed my mum when I was in Cardiff, because she is my closest friend in the world. 
I miss Emma too because I've not seen her for a few days and I want to give her a hug, especially because right now every second with her counts. And I miss Toni because although we speak literally every few hours even when I'm at work it's really not the same as being in Glasgow telling stories. 

What do I miss? 
I collect possessions, I mean you might even call me a hoarder and you should see the piles and boxes of memories that I have. Tickets, gifts, tokens to remind me of events. However very few items actually mean that much to me and whilst I'd be sad to lose them as long as I had a few key things - most notably my mini rabbit cuddly - I would be just fine. I'd rather not be hung up on missing possessions, it's the people, experiences and memories that count. 

Where do I miss? 
I always miss Cardiff because it's the place I now feel safest and happiest, it's my place to run to when times are tough. Actually the same can be said for Wales in general. I also always miss Devon and Cornwall because they are the part of the world I've always felt at home and like I belong. I haven't been there for a while and I'm having withdrawal symptoms. 

What time of my life do I miss? 
I want to say being a tiny child with my imaginary horse at the bottom of my garden because life was simple then. I also want to say being 21, which was when my work career really took off but without the pressures and responsibilities of now. However in truth I don't regret the past and I fully believe you should live in the moment and look forward so whilst I look back with a tear or a smile I don't think I miss a time at all.

June Challenge: Day 11: Sell myself in 10 words or less

Day 11, Tuesday: Sell myself in 10 words or less

Well I guess its simple really.

1. Geek
2. Honest
3. Loyal
4. Happy
5. Determined
6. Ethical
7. Knowledgeable
8. Diligent
9. Daydreamer
10. Writer

June Challenge: Day 10: Most embarrassing moment(s)

Day 10, Monday: Most embarrassing moment (s). Spill. 

My most embarrassing moment, well what can I say? I've had so many. However rather than bore you senseless with all of them, because well if you want that you can message me personally - I don't fancy humiliating myself too much in public - I will just give you just one.

It was my year seven assembly, I was the shy geeky kid who wouldn't say boo to a goose. Our theme was fashion through the ages, and as I didn't want to speak I had to model two of the outfits - a 1970s skirt and top, and a 1990s skirt and top. I was so worried about the seventies outfit because it was PVC and I was embarrassed to be wearing something like that aged 11. However I walked with my head held high and didn't freak out, so it went well.

I had a couple of minutes to change into a skirt of my own for the nineties section and I was feeling so much more comfortable in my own clothes that I even did a twirl like we had been told models do. Forgetting as I did that my skirt was flared and so when I spun it flew up around my waist and I showed the entire school my knickers. 

Yes really. Aged 11 I was red faced and mortified, and subjected to teasing for the remainder of the term. To say I was embarrassed is an understatement. 

June Challenge: Day 9: A moment in my day

Day 9, Sunday: A moment in my day (this can be just a photo or both a photo and words)

I chose two photos. One of Cardiff Castle in the sunshine and one looking out over the beautiful blue water of Cardiff Bay. No words required really.

 Perfect.

June Challenge: Day 8: A piece of advice I have for others

Day 8, Saturday: A piece of advice I have for others. Anything at all.

Gandhi said that you must be the change you wish to see in the world. 

This is a piece of advice I've taken to heart and wish to pass on to others. People spend too much time criticising what goes on around them but don't do anything about it nor act in a way to support it. 

The world around you is not perfect. We all must accept that. However if there are things you wish to change about the world in which you reside then you must live these changes yourself every single day. If you don't then you have no room to judge others for not doing so either. You want things to change then you need to change them yourselves. When you live your life differently others will follow. 

So my advice: decide how you want the world to be and be that change. I mean if it was good enough for Gandhi it's good enough for me!

June Challenge: Day 7: The thing(s) I'm most afraid of

Day 7, Friday: The thing(s) I’m most afraid of

This one is easy for me although it might convince all of you I'm even weirder than you already think I am! Please don't disown me if you think I'm a freak following this blog post. I've got four things, each for their own reason. 

1. Clowns
The enforced smiles, the clothes, the make up. I don't care if it's a clown that's smiling or one that looks like it's crying. I don't do clowns. They freak me out beyond belief. I've been to the circus before, I felt sick from the moment I arrived. Would you believe my mum never even noticed?

2. Ventriloquist dummies
I know they are just inanimate objects but I cannot shake the feeling that if I met one I may well be murdered in my bed by it that night. Far too chucky doll for my liking. On a school camping trip when I was 8 or 9 a friend told me about a dummy coming up the stairs and appearing in the doorway whilst a child was sleeping. I swear I didn't sleep a wink those days away.

3. Dinosaurs
The actual animal, regardless of extinction, and also them in movie or cartoon format. I am undeniably frightened by them to the point of nightmares. The thought of Jurassic Park makes me feel like I want to throw up so can you imagine what I thought when I heard about the "walking with dinosaurs" tour with the robot dinosaur representations? My worst fears realised! I think this started as a combination of the moving dinosaur exhibition at National History Museum and a cartoon I watched as a child. For months on end I refused point blank to sleep out of terror to the point my parents had to seek help from my school. Aged 7 I appear to have been disturbed, I am not entirely sure this issue ever was resolved.

4. Cotton Wool 
This is a full on genuine phobia. I cannot stand to even be in the same room as the stuff, never mind touch it. I hate the texture and I hate the noise it makes when you tear it. I will leave a room if you have it and I've refused to open jewellery packaged inside it. Nothing else makes me feel that ill. You should have seen me earlier today when hospital technician took my blood and then came towards me with cotton wool, I shot out of that room faster than he could speak. This is the fear that embarrasses me on a regular basis and makes other people laugh at me regularly but I really can't help it. When I was little  cotton wool was used to wipe away the blood when I grazed my knees, so I am certain somewhere along the way I started to associate it with pain. I can't think of another explanation for this one unfortunately.

So there you have it. My fears. Yes there are some other general ones about death and losing people which we all have but these are my specific things I'm frightened of. I'm a little odd and a bit quirky but that's just me!

June Challenge: Day 29: Five songs or pieces of music that speak to me or bring back memories.

Day 29, Saturday : Five songs or pieces of music that speak to me or bring back memories. 

Sometimes when you're asked a question the answer is easy to find. 

1. Celine Dion 'Because you loved me'

2. Linkin Park 'Numb'

3. Coolio 'Gangsta's paradise'

4. Eva Cassidy 'Songbird'

5. Sarah McLachlan 'Full of grace'

All I will say is that one of these is a childhood favourite, one reminds me of teenage angst. Another drew me to an amazing television programme, a further is the most beautiful song ever sung and the last was sung by a friend at her own funeral. Can you guess which one is which? 

Each memory is precious. 

June Challenge: Day 28: Only pictures

Day 28, Friday: Only pictures

June Challenge: Day 27: An Open letter to my readers

Day 27, Thursday: An Open letter to my readers

Dear readers

This is not an easy time for me at present and things feel like they are only going to get worse with the imminent sad times ahead. The truth is that I'm struggling to get my head around all that has happened, all that is happening and all that will continue to happen to the point where actually curling up in a ball crying in the darkness feels like a perfectly reasonable option.

I've always been quite an emotional person and take things to heart easily. I'm also not as tough or strong as people around me seem to think. Where I believe in something I will fight for it to the bitter end but what if the thing I don't believe in the most is me? 

Confidence has never been my strong point and now more than ever I'm being required to stand up and be counted in front of people I worry could tear me to shreds. Add that to the immense stress and pressure I'm under to make untenable situations work and the ever present degree of sadness that overwhelmingly drowns me every time I even consider my best friend and you've got a recipe for disaster. 

I've always been very clear on who I am and what I stand for but gradually its like I'm losing myself in a sea of craziness that keeps pulling me under. I very much doubt that I'm in an emotionally healthy environment right now but there seems to be little I can do to fix things. Instead I'm just plodding along and occasionally flipping out and freaking to the point of wanting to stop the world so I can get off. 

I want to be able to turn to the people around me for support but although I am unlikely to ever shut up and can talk for hours and hours I really do struggle to confide in people about things that actually matter which is why a lot of people are accusing me of pushing them away. Truth is I'm finding it hard to process friendship and genuine acts of kindness when the person I love most is dying. It's almost as if I'm frightened of feeling in case someone else leaves me behind. 

So what am I trying to say? Firstly that I'm sorry if I'm sometimes off with people or come across harshly. I'm not meaning to and it's more self preservation than anything about you. Secondly I'm sorry if I appear to be an emotional yo yo or hormonal. I can't manage how I feel about Emma anywhere near as well as I'd like and it is clouding my ability to think clearly on other things. 

Most of all though I'm just sorry for not being a good enough friend and for allowing this to wipe me out. I wish I had the energy left to be stronger but I'm tired out and drained. You know who you are if you matter to me and I hope you can give me the chance to make it up to you when things are a little calmer. 

I love you all. 

X x 

June Challenge: Day 26: Something I read online today

Day 26, Wednesday: Something I read online today. I would leave a link and say something about it.

I've been up for hours and hours already today and have spent most of that time buried in Internet research. I won't post links because they are particularly distressing but what I've been searching for is precisely how someones dies from biventricular heart failure, what the steps will be and how long it takes. 

For anyone who knows me you already know why I have a valid interest in the subject these days but it was hearing my girlie speak yesterday about her latest hospital appointment that really made me think. 

I try to bury my head in the sand and not face up to the reality of the imminent departure of the person I love more than life. I guess sometimes that denial doesn't work as well as I'd like. 

I just wish all my research had reassured me that she wouldn't be in any pain when the time came. Unfortunately it did not. Emma has already outlived her 'Expected Expiry Date' so every day is now a bonus. I just wish I didn't already miss her so much. 

June Challenge: Day 25: Something someone told me about myself that I'll never forget (good or bad)

Day 25, Tuesday: Something someone told me about myself that I'll never forget (good or bad)

I actually think this was one of the easiest blog topics of the month, mainly because I tend to take to heart what people say about me and additionally where things are at in my life right now I've been having a lot of conversations about me and where I am going the past few weeks. 

I think the thing I would focus on that I feel I need to change, although that doesn't so much mean it's bad, is that someone very senior to me has told me recently that I'm a workaholic and that I will burn myself out before I'm thirty if I'm not careful. Anyone who knows me would probably agree with that and I'm frequently being told I work too hard. I guess for me it's trying to balance what I need to do with what I want to do and what I believe other people expect me to do. All I know is that burning out is not an option that I wish to consider so I think there definitely needs to be some time taken to reflect on where I'm going and what I'm doing, plus more time spent writing as I find this settles my soul when I'm all over the place. 

However what I've described is not the thing that has hit home the most. Many years ago now I got myself into a bit of a pickle because I did what I believed was the right thing to do despite knowing that other people would perceive that differently to me. For a while I was terrified I was about to lose everything I had worked so hard to achieve but when I was called to account for my actions things did not go as I anticipated. I was asked to honestly answer whether if faced with the same situation in the future I would act differently and I had to answer that I would not. For me what I had done was a matter of principle and conviction so therefore I was prepared to take the consequences. Far from being angry at me the person called on to challenge me over what had occurred turned to me and said that I had the strongest moral code he had ever come across and that he doubted anyone else would have been prepared to sacrifice what I had on the line over such an issue. He then made the point that they knew exactly who they were getting when they got me and that he wished there were more people like that in the world, people who were prepared to stand up and put their head above the parapet when it really counted. 

To this day that conversation remains one that I can recite because I learned a lot about how other people perceive me that day and that you can gain far more respect from people by having an opinion and standing by it than you ever can by just being a "yes man".

June Challenge: Day 24: My top 3 worst traits

Day 24, Monday: My  top 3 worst traits

Hmmmm. Only a top three? I think a lot of people might think I have more than that but there are three traits that stand out for me. 

1. A lack of self confidence. Anyone who has seen me at work standing up in front of over a hundred people and presenting may well disagree but I am actually quite shy. I get incredibly nervous in new social situations and I spend a lot of time over analysing whether I'm good enough for a particular situation or circumstance. I have been working on this for years but recent events have proven to me that I've not quite tackled it yet. 

2. Argumentative spirit. I like to make my point, especially because I'm good at making said point eloquently both in writing and verbally.  However sometimes this urge to ensure my point is made means I end up bickering with people. That's not to say my point of view is not correct, usually I have a clear and coherent viewpoint that others will support. I guess the issue is that sometimes I really do need to know when to let something drop. On the plus side however I'm excellent at getting what I want from banks, councils etc. 

3. Laziness. I'm the queen of procrastination and doing nothing. I can be as efficient as I want Monday to Friday working hours but outside of that I practically have to be coerced into doing what is needed, even when that something is a pleasant treat. If I could get away with spending my weekends and evenings vegetating then I'm sure I would do that. Unfortunately the to do list of doom is always there waiting for me and I battle against completing it on a daily basis. 

I'm sure there are others but these would be my top three. 

June Challenge: Day 23: Things I've learned that school won't teach me

Day 23, Sunday: Things I've learned that school won't teach me

School never really taught me that much, but then I never was that keen on the place to be fair. I much preferred doing my own thing in my own time and generally speaking things have worked out better for me that way. However there are a few specific things I feel school forgot to teach me. 

Firstly how to manage money. I'm pretty good with money in that I've been saving since the dawn of time but there was no real financial education available. By the time I was 18 I was working full time and being offered all kinds of loans and credit cards. Thankfully I was sensible. 

Secondly a sense of direction. I can find anywhere, I navigate public transport and car journeys without hesitation and if I am walking around I will always find my way to the right place. I've put this to the test in foreign countries and unfamiliar places too. I've got an inbuilt navigation system that I was not taught. 

Thirdly how to survive the world of work. A couple of weeks work experience does not teach you how to self manage and self motivate yourself for five whole days a week, nor chair meetings, take minutes or do all the basic administration functions that come with most people's first jobs. 

Fourthly how to use your common sense. School actually seems to drum this out of people by teaching them to the curriculum and not around it, by discouraging opportunities for independent projects. Sometime the right answer isn't always the one written down on the paperwork but schools cannot always see that. 

Lastly school definitely did not teach me to challenge people. In fact the few times I challenged teachers I was removed from class for being disruptive and I frequently got detentions. I'm big on respect don't get me wrong but I think respect is given where you know you can question things. Schools have a tendency to take that as trouble making behaviour and deal with it accordingly. 

Primarily though schools don't teach you to find yourself. You have to really want to look once you've left to start doing that. I hated the person I was back then but these days I've grown used to tolerating her. Schools don't teach you self respect or self confidence. You have to learn those skills for yourself. 

June Challenge: Day 22: Rant about something

Day 22, Saturday: Rant about something. Get up on my soapbox and tell the world  how I really feel. (a pet peeve, a current event, a controversial topic, something anyone does that really ticks me off)

I'm not a fan of marriage so let me clear that up before we start. I truly do not believe that anyone is capable of making the kind of commitment set out by that institution under the current vows and that therefore all anyone is doing by getting married is making a calculated gamble. 

I think it's important to clarify that because what I'm about to say next does not come from any love of that system moreover my desire for full equality of all people. 

The concept I am putting my point across about is gay marriage legislation and all the current legal arguments. 

First of all does the fact that everyone refers to this as gay marriage mean that I have to start calling other marriages straight ones, because I really fail to see why people have to keep tagging that extra word in there like marriage is somehow going to be different if it is between two people of the same gender. I'm certain that all the ideals behind marriage - love, honour, cherish, faithful, till death etc - would apply equally to all couples wanting to make that commitment. I very much doubt that anyone would actually set out to make marriage about something else regardless of sexuality. 

Secondly there seems to be this massive issue over religion and the various religious beliefs over non straight relationships. I find that actually hilarious given the dwindling church attendances in this country, the increasing number of people who choose to get married anywhere other than a religious building these days and the fact that I know many people who literally turned up for the classes the vicar put on until they got married and then never went back. I mean I think marriage has been so diluted down in this country from its original religious roots that I don't think this is going to change that. And that is despite the fact that most gay people I know would describe themselves as religious anyway but that's for another time. 

The other point I've heard made is that there is likely to be a massive upsurge in people turning gay or that this will somehow lead to more non straight relationships. Do people really still believe sexuality is catching or that all gay people are predatory? I think there is quite an arrogance implied there on behalf of straight people in that there is a belief people would try to turn them. There has always been an under representation of gay relationships in society for numerous reasons, including the pressure to comply with the perceived cultural norm, so there may well be an increase in recording of non straight relationships. So what? I'm pretty certain it's not illegal these days and therefore people need to quit worrying about things which do not concern them. 

However for all of these points I've raised there is one thing in the current debate that really irks me the most and that is the UK government and opposition parties using this very valid point of equality as a stick to beat people with. I'm not sure if they are trying to prove they are moving with the times or demonstrating their own tolerance, or in some cases lack thereof, but this should not be about party politics. I mean how many times can David Cameron stand up and give one of his 'right on' speeches before being brought to task by his back bench MPs until he realises he is fighting a losing battle? The fact that they are even arguing over a matter of equal rights when our economy is fast going to hell in a handcart and half the world seems to want to bomb the other is ludicrous. 

If two people wish to get married having been in a long term committed relationship. I say good for them. Why is what sexuality they are even relevant to the conversation? We pride ourselves in this country on being progressive, well then stop debating and start doing. All people are equal so why are two women or two men less equal than one of each?