Dear readers
This is not an easy time for me at present and things feel like they are only going to get worse with the imminent sad times ahead. The truth is that I'm struggling to get my head around all that has happened, all that is happening and all that will continue to happen to the point where actually curling up in a ball crying in the darkness feels like a perfectly reasonable option.
I've always been quite an emotional person and take things to heart easily. I'm also not as tough or strong as people around me seem to think. Where I believe in something I will fight for it to the bitter end but what if the thing I don't believe in the most is me?
Confidence has never been my strong point and now more than ever I'm being required to stand up and be counted in front of people I worry could tear me to shreds. Add that to the immense stress and pressure I'm under to make untenable situations work and the ever present degree of sadness that overwhelmingly drowns me every time I even consider my best friend and you've got a recipe for disaster.
I've always been very clear on who I am and what I stand for but gradually its like I'm losing myself in a sea of craziness that keeps pulling me under. I very much doubt that I'm in an emotionally healthy environment right now but there seems to be little I can do to fix things. Instead I'm just plodding along and occasionally flipping out and freaking to the point of wanting to stop the world so I can get off.
I want to be able to turn to the people around me for support but although I am unlikely to ever shut up and can talk for hours and hours I really do struggle to confide in people about things that actually matter which is why a lot of people are accusing me of pushing them away. Truth is I'm finding it hard to process friendship and genuine acts of kindness when the person I love most is dying. It's almost as if I'm frightened of feeling in case someone else leaves me behind.
So what am I trying to say? Firstly that I'm sorry if I'm sometimes off with people or come across harshly. I'm not meaning to and it's more self preservation than anything about you. Secondly I'm sorry if I appear to be an emotional yo yo or hormonal. I can't manage how I feel about Emma anywhere near as well as I'd like and it is clouding my ability to think clearly on other things.
Most of all though I'm just sorry for not being a good enough friend and for allowing this to wipe me out. I wish I had the energy left to be stronger but I'm tired out and drained. You know who you are if you matter to me and I hope you can give me the chance to make it up to you when things are a little calmer.
I love you all.
X x
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