Day 20, Thursday: Get real. Share something I’m struggling with right now.
Apologies for the delay. I have been putting off writing this for days, not because I did not know what to say but more that I was not sure how to say it. Things have gone very well for me this week, in terms of getting where I wanted to be - or at least thought I wanted to be, and yet ever since I have had this feeling that I am drowning under the weight of expectation.
I have not been able to work out if this is just a result of me being worried about the pressure and stress to come, plus the consequential workload heading in my direction, or whether there is something more to it. All I know right now is that I am doubting my ability to cope.
The strangest part of all this is that everyone else around me is telling me I can do this, in fact each person who I count as someone I respect has individually told me how much they wanted me to get where I have and how they feel they cannot do this without me. I know I should be taking this as a compliment and enjoying basking in the glory of having people support me, but their words are having the opposite impact. If anything they feel like they are pushing me further under the water and preventing me from resurfacing.
There is now so much at stake and so many people riding on me getting things working that I appear to have lost all confidence in what I do. I know deep down I love my life, my career and everything within it but right now I just want to turn out the lights, snuggle under the covers and wake up next year.
What do you do when at the moment in time everyone around you places their trust in you to make things better you lose faith in yourself? Am I full of self-doubt for no reason? After all I would put my trust in the decisions of these people for every other matter that counts so why do I not believe them now? Or are their loyalties misplaced and am I about to royally screw up?
I've had to make some tough calls the past few weeks and have stood up to be counted on more than one occasion. Usually I can trust my own judgement above other people's and I know myself inside and out. So why right now when I really need me to work hard, make decisions and steer this ship do I appear to have forgotten how to steer?
Drowning is not a pleasant sensation but I seem to have lost what little ability I had to swim.
Save me? Or at least remind me how to save myself?
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