Day 30, Sunday: My reaction to the term: Letting Go
What does letting go mean? Letting go means permitting something or someone to leave without arguing about it or trying to prevent them. It means losing my best friend to a terrible terminal medical condition but doing it with the most positive attitude that I can so that she doesn't have to watch me cry.
Letting go is the hardest thing in the world to do because sometimes all you want to do is dig your heels in, throw a strop and tell the world to sod off because you want whatever it is to stay.
I don't think I can give a coherent answer to this right now because the very concept of letting go of Emma and allowing her to die with good grace and dignity is something I have to do, even though every part of me wants to grab her by the hand and hold onto her sobbing my heart out until its all over.
What do you do when the very thing you are being asked to let go is the one thing you know you can't live without? These days I get pissed off, I cry and I get angry - I hate that I am no longer in control of my own emotions but with everything else bubbling just underneath the surface I can't do anything different right now.
Soon I will have to let her go. Now I just have to hold her hand and hope that for now at least she stays.
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