Day 30, Sunday: My reaction to the term: Letting Go
What does letting go mean? Letting go means permitting something or someone to leave without arguing about it or trying to prevent them. It means losing my best friend to a terrible terminal medical condition but doing it with the most positive attitude that I can so that she doesn't have to watch me cry.
Letting go is the hardest thing in the world to do because sometimes all you want to do is dig your heels in, throw a strop and tell the world to sod off because you want whatever it is to stay.
I don't think I can give a coherent answer to this right now because the very concept of letting go of Emma and allowing her to die with good grace and dignity is something I have to do, even though every part of me wants to grab her by the hand and hold onto her sobbing my heart out until its all over.
What do you do when the very thing you are being asked to let go is the one thing you know you can't live without? These days I get pissed off, I cry and I get angry - I hate that I am no longer in control of my own emotions but with everything else bubbling just underneath the surface I can't do anything different right now.
Soon I will have to let her go. Now I just have to hold her hand and hope that for now at least she stays.
Sunday, 30 June 2013
Sunday, 23 June 2013
June Challenge: Day 21: A list of links to my favorite posts on my blog.
Day 21, Friday: A list of links to my favorite posts on my blog.
So this is delayed from Friday, but never mind. My five current favourite posts from this blog. I think each speaks for itself if you read them.
Longleat - Animal Magic
My favourite poem - Desiderata
My favourite quotes - June Challenge 4
Childhood stories & finding Heidi - June Challenge 18
Glasgow, sitting and the wonderful Toni
So this is delayed from Friday, but never mind. My five current favourite posts from this blog. I think each speaks for itself if you read them.
Longleat - Animal Magic
My favourite poem - Desiderata
My favourite quotes - June Challenge 4
Childhood stories & finding Heidi - June Challenge 18
Glasgow, sitting and the wonderful Toni
June Challenge: Day 20: Get real
Day 20, Thursday: Get real. Share something I’m struggling with right now.
Apologies for the delay. I have been putting off writing this for days, not because I did not know what to say but more that I was not sure how to say it. Things have gone very well for me this week, in terms of getting where I wanted to be - or at least thought I wanted to be, and yet ever since I have had this feeling that I am drowning under the weight of expectation.
I have not been able to work out if this is just a result of me being worried about the pressure and stress to come, plus the consequential workload heading in my direction, or whether there is something more to it. All I know right now is that I am doubting my ability to cope.
The strangest part of all this is that everyone else around me is telling me I can do this, in fact each person who I count as someone I respect has individually told me how much they wanted me to get where I have and how they feel they cannot do this without me. I know I should be taking this as a compliment and enjoying basking in the glory of having people support me, but their words are having the opposite impact. If anything they feel like they are pushing me further under the water and preventing me from resurfacing.
There is now so much at stake and so many people riding on me getting things working that I appear to have lost all confidence in what I do. I know deep down I love my life, my career and everything within it but right now I just want to turn out the lights, snuggle under the covers and wake up next year.
What do you do when at the moment in time everyone around you places their trust in you to make things better you lose faith in yourself? Am I full of self-doubt for no reason? After all I would put my trust in the decisions of these people for every other matter that counts so why do I not believe them now? Or are their loyalties misplaced and am I about to royally screw up?
I've had to make some tough calls the past few weeks and have stood up to be counted on more than one occasion. Usually I can trust my own judgement above other people's and I know myself inside and out. So why right now when I really need me to work hard, make decisions and steer this ship do I appear to have forgotten how to steer?
Drowning is not a pleasant sensation but I seem to have lost what little ability I had to swim.
Save me? Or at least remind me how to save myself?
Apologies for the delay. I have been putting off writing this for days, not because I did not know what to say but more that I was not sure how to say it. Things have gone very well for me this week, in terms of getting where I wanted to be - or at least thought I wanted to be, and yet ever since I have had this feeling that I am drowning under the weight of expectation.
I have not been able to work out if this is just a result of me being worried about the pressure and stress to come, plus the consequential workload heading in my direction, or whether there is something more to it. All I know right now is that I am doubting my ability to cope.
The strangest part of all this is that everyone else around me is telling me I can do this, in fact each person who I count as someone I respect has individually told me how much they wanted me to get where I have and how they feel they cannot do this without me. I know I should be taking this as a compliment and enjoying basking in the glory of having people support me, but their words are having the opposite impact. If anything they feel like they are pushing me further under the water and preventing me from resurfacing.
There is now so much at stake and so many people riding on me getting things working that I appear to have lost all confidence in what I do. I know deep down I love my life, my career and everything within it but right now I just want to turn out the lights, snuggle under the covers and wake up next year.
What do you do when at the moment in time everyone around you places their trust in you to make things better you lose faith in yourself? Am I full of self-doubt for no reason? After all I would put my trust in the decisions of these people for every other matter that counts so why do I not believe them now? Or are their loyalties misplaced and am I about to royally screw up?
I've had to make some tough calls the past few weeks and have stood up to be counted on more than one occasion. Usually I can trust my own judgement above other people's and I know myself inside and out. So why right now when I really need me to work hard, make decisions and steer this ship do I appear to have forgotten how to steer?
Drowning is not a pleasant sensation but I seem to have lost what little ability I had to swim.
Save me? Or at least remind me how to save myself?
Wednesday, 19 June 2013
June Challenge: Day 19: Going off challenge
My blog post from yesterday was meant to be about blogs that I read but that turned out to be something I could not answer very effectively. It's not that I don't read blogs, more that with the exception of two friends who blog a lot there aren't particular blogs I follow. I tend to be led to someone's page by a link being tweeted to me and as a result I couldn't name my top 5.
That having been decided I needed to work out what to do in terms of the blog challenge that meant I wasn't skipping days out. So here I am writing yesterday's blog post and so far it's about nothing in particular.
I guess I could come up with something eminently suitable if I really put my mind to it but where is the fun there? Instead I'm just rambling whilst on a train on my way to work, which is where I write most of my blogs. It's the hour of my day when all I can do is sit back and think; something which I've acknowledged before I don't do enough of.
Did this blog hit the challenge? No.
Did you learn anything significant about me from this post? No.
Was it worth reading? For you right now probably not.
However for me today with my head so crowded with confusion, noise and stress you have no clue how useful it is to occasionally just put down exactly what is in my head on paper and allow myself to ramble wherever my mind takes me.
Off challenge and off topic but clearing my mind was worth it.
Saturday, 15 June 2013
Desiderata
Sometimes you just read something that touches your heart and moves your soul. If ever you were going to have a way to live your life it is by the words of the poem in the link below.
Today I've been thinking a lot, especially about the people that matter the most to me. Emma, Toni, Brooke, Abbey. Those who've been there for me and those I've tried to be there for.
I wish I could be the person who lived up to the words in this. To two of you I say thank you so much for the past few days, to two of you I apologise more than you'll ever know.
We are all children of the universe. Be yourselves. I love you for that. It is a beautiful world, its just sometimes we can't see it.
June Challenge: Day 18: Tell a story from my childhood
Day 18, Tuesday: Tell a story from my childhood. I will try to dig deep and try to be descriptive about what I remember and how I felt.
When I was six years old we went on a family holiday to Weymouth. When I say we I mean myself, my parents and Tink, who was 2 1/2 at the time. We stayed in a guesthouse on the sea front and had some great times. We sat on the beach, we went to a model train place (Pecorama) in Beer, and generally enjoyed ourselves. We played mini golf one night at what felt to me like midnight but was probably just 6pm or something. We ate fish and chips, ice cream and laughed a lot.
I have real memories of smiling a lot that holiday but one memory stands out more than most. We met a girl called Heidi in the guesthouse who was a little older than I was and I thought she was amazing, in that I want to be just like her because she is perfect kind of way. My family and I spent the day at a Sea Life Centre which was brilliant and whilst there Tink and I had our faces painted. I was so happy and thought I was the coolest girl in the world, especially when Heidi smiled at me on my return.
When I had to leave for home I was gutted I wasn't going to see Heidi again, but then this wonderful thing happened. In a shop we found a little cuddly rabbit that lived in a little white plastic log. It was small, cute and had pink ears and a pink tail. The little white plastic log had the name "Heidi" printed on it, the rabbit was named after the girl I had so adored.
To this day that little rabbit is my most prized possession. It has traveled the country and the world with me, it has jumped out of a plane with me and it has stayed in my sleeve though every interview, exam and stressful situation in my life. Heidi sleeps beside me each night and I cannot imagine my world without her, and every now and then I remember that my little rabbit is a reminder of the little girl I once knew and the first time I really looked up to someone.
The best part of it all is that the week in Weymouth was one I recall as being so very happy, a time when my family seemed to have a perfect smiley time and I can look back with fondness both on that week and all my memories of when my little Heidi has helped me out of a hole.
When I was six years old we went on a family holiday to Weymouth. When I say we I mean myself, my parents and Tink, who was 2 1/2 at the time. We stayed in a guesthouse on the sea front and had some great times. We sat on the beach, we went to a model train place (Pecorama) in Beer, and generally enjoyed ourselves. We played mini golf one night at what felt to me like midnight but was probably just 6pm or something. We ate fish and chips, ice cream and laughed a lot.
I have real memories of smiling a lot that holiday but one memory stands out more than most. We met a girl called Heidi in the guesthouse who was a little older than I was and I thought she was amazing, in that I want to be just like her because she is perfect kind of way. My family and I spent the day at a Sea Life Centre which was brilliant and whilst there Tink and I had our faces painted. I was so happy and thought I was the coolest girl in the world, especially when Heidi smiled at me on my return.
When I had to leave for home I was gutted I wasn't going to see Heidi again, but then this wonderful thing happened. In a shop we found a little cuddly rabbit that lived in a little white plastic log. It was small, cute and had pink ears and a pink tail. The little white plastic log had the name "Heidi" printed on it, the rabbit was named after the girl I had so adored.
To this day that little rabbit is my most prized possession. It has traveled the country and the world with me, it has jumped out of a plane with me and it has stayed in my sleeve though every interview, exam and stressful situation in my life. Heidi sleeps beside me each night and I cannot imagine my world without her, and every now and then I remember that my little rabbit is a reminder of the little girl I once knew and the first time I really looked up to someone.
The best part of it all is that the week in Weymouth was one I recall as being so very happy, a time when my family seemed to have a perfect smiley time and I can look back with fondness both on that week and all my memories of when my little Heidi has helped me out of a hole.
June Challenge: Day 16: Something difficult about my "lot in life"
Day 16, Sunday: Something difficult about my "lot in life" and how I’m working to overcome it
My life isn't difficult, not really. I mean don't get me wrong things aren't always easy but they aren't bad either. I am very much a believer that we all go through our own "stuff", which can't be compared in size, volume or type to anyone else's and that it isn't what we go through that counts but how we pick ourselves up after it.
For me at the moment my biggest challenge is that I am about to lose the person I love most and I'm not sure how I will cope once that day is here. The enormity of the weight of sadness I know will hit me is far too big to comprehend right now and it isn't going to be something I can just pick myself up from and carry on.
I cannot change that she is going to die, unfortunately all options as far as that is concerned have been exhausted. All I can do is continue to love and support her, be there for her and help her make plans because she is getting weaker by the day and I hate seeing her in pain.
I know that when the time comes she will have to leave and I will be left behind, yet I know that I will have to cope, carry on and live my life - not just because that is what she wants me to do but because that is what I need to do. We should have had a whole life of friendship together to enjoy everything we wanted to do, so I owe it to her to live life as I have always planned to. I will take each day as it comes, I will cherish the memories I have of our time together and I will just keep on putting one foot in front of the other.
I don't want to lose her but in that I have no choice. Instead all I can do is keep going, living my life as I would always have done and knowing that when the wind rustles in the leaves right beside me my beautiful girl is there whispering in my ear.
My life isn't difficult, not really. I mean don't get me wrong things aren't always easy but they aren't bad either. I am very much a believer that we all go through our own "stuff", which can't be compared in size, volume or type to anyone else's and that it isn't what we go through that counts but how we pick ourselves up after it.
For me at the moment my biggest challenge is that I am about to lose the person I love most and I'm not sure how I will cope once that day is here. The enormity of the weight of sadness I know will hit me is far too big to comprehend right now and it isn't going to be something I can just pick myself up from and carry on.
I cannot change that she is going to die, unfortunately all options as far as that is concerned have been exhausted. All I can do is continue to love and support her, be there for her and help her make plans because she is getting weaker by the day and I hate seeing her in pain.
I know that when the time comes she will have to leave and I will be left behind, yet I know that I will have to cope, carry on and live my life - not just because that is what she wants me to do but because that is what I need to do. We should have had a whole life of friendship together to enjoy everything we wanted to do, so I owe it to her to live life as I have always planned to. I will take each day as it comes, I will cherish the memories I have of our time together and I will just keep on putting one foot in front of the other.
I don't want to lose her but in that I have no choice. Instead all I can do is keep going, living my life as I would always have done and knowing that when the wind rustles in the leaves right beside me my beautiful girl is there whispering in my ear.
June Challenge: Day 15: A favorite photo of myself and why
Day 15, Saturday: A favorite photo of myself and why
Okay so this was meant to be Monday's post but I've moved today's one till then instead and you will understand why when you read it. I am not a fan of photographs of myself really because I am not in the least bit photogenic but sometimes I take a picture and because of the context I am happy to post it. As you will have seen very few photos of me over the time you might have known me, I thought I would add a little selection.
These pictures were taken at the Grand Canyon in Summer 2010. It was the most amazing holiday of my life and I have epic memories of how wonderful it was.
We spent a lot of time exploring the ridges but also took a helicopter down into the canyon itself. At one point I even started scrambling down the rocks and ended up on a rock jutting out. It was magical.
Okay so this was meant to be Monday's post but I've moved today's one till then instead and you will understand why when you read it. I am not a fan of photographs of myself really because I am not in the least bit photogenic but sometimes I take a picture and because of the context I am happy to post it. As you will have seen very few photos of me over the time you might have known me, I thought I would add a little selection.
These pictures were taken at the Grand Canyon in Summer 2010. It was the most amazing holiday of my life and I have epic memories of how wonderful it was.We spent a lot of time exploring the ridges but also took a helicopter down into the canyon itself. At one point I even started scrambling down the rocks and ended up on a rock jutting out. It was magical.
June Challenge: Day 14: Ten things that make me really happy
Day 14, Friday: Ten things that make me really happy
This is an interesting one to ask today of all days, which is also why I didn't answer it yesterday when it was due. However as stressful as the past few days have been I do have reasons to smile, some of which I've listed here.
This is an interesting one to ask today of all days, which is also why I didn't answer it yesterday when it was due. However as stressful as the past few days have been I do have reasons to smile, some of which I've listed here.
- Making a difference at work
- Watching a television programme I love
- Taking time to sit back and enjoy life
- Unexpected messages from someone I wanted to hear from
- Weekends away with good friends
- Spending family time with my mum and Tink
- Snuggling up with Emma as she snuffles in her sleep
- Bonkers fictional conversations at 3am with Toni
- Writing scripts and fanfic, especially at midnight
- Knowing that someone is there for you when you really need support
June Challenge: Day 17: ‘A Day in my normal life’
Day 17, Monday: ‘A Day in my normal life’ (I will include photos from throughout my typical day - this could be "a photo an hour")
Okay so this was meant to be Saturday, but Saturday is never a typical day for me. In fact this Saturday was a wear a onesie and lounge on sofa sort of day so I am not sure you would have found it interesting. On that basis I went for a Monday instead.
Okay so this was meant to be Saturday, but Saturday is never a typical day for me. In fact this Saturday was a wear a onesie and lounge on sofa sort of day so I am not sure you would have found it interesting. On that basis I went for a Monday instead.
Can you tell the story of my day through these pictures? I have to say these do show a fairly standard day for me.
Thursday, 13 June 2013
June Challenge: Day 13: Issue a public apology
Day 13, Thursday: Issue a public apology. This can be as funny or as serious or as creative as I want it to be.
Me?
Apologise?
Some people might think that is a laugh because they don't think I say sorry enough or to the right people. Truth is I say it all the time. In recent days I've had to say sorry to so many people it's untrue and most of that was me taking responsibility for things that were beyond my control. Sometimes though people just need someone to own a decision and give people a focus, so that's been me and whilst I've had no choice but to do it through gritted teeth it was the right thing to do and therefore I was willing to stand there and say sorry.
A lot of people have asked me to say sorry for other things and where I felt it was the right thing to do I did exactly that. I also offered my take on the situation when asked and agreed we needed to all go that extra mile to make sure it never happened again. I'm very much against nastiness and unpleasantness so the chance to have it stop was one I would never have turned down, and as a result I've made some new friends - albeit slightly hyper ones (my fellow fangirlers I'm talking about you here).
I am genuinely grateful that olive branches were extended and accepted, that peace was restored and that all became well with the world. I am happy to stand up and say sorry for the antagonism I caused the few involved because I believe that as much as I had rubbish thrown at me I did throw a lot back. I am sorry for that and they know it.
There is only one group of people who I will not apologise to. Those are the ones who have a problem with who I am or what I think. If I say something that someone deems offensive I am happy to discuss it, I'm even happy to be challenged on it but please don't ever tell me what I can and can't think. If you explain your point of view to me I may end up even agreeing with you, but that doesn't mean I am not entitled to my opinion.
I mean I said a particular fandom had a bizarre definition of normal. For the record I still believe we do but as part of that fandom I own that as much as anyone else, I am also amused by it as much as anyone else. I mean if you've been on twitter recently on Saturdays you will understand! I do apologise for the offence caused to the few who took it personally but to the rest of us who seem to spend a lot of time prepared to do all kinds of madness I say enjoy the crazy and I won't apologise for thinking we are all a bit bonkers!
Me?
Apologise?
Some people might think that is a laugh because they don't think I say sorry enough or to the right people. Truth is I say it all the time. In recent days I've had to say sorry to so many people it's untrue and most of that was me taking responsibility for things that were beyond my control. Sometimes though people just need someone to own a decision and give people a focus, so that's been me and whilst I've had no choice but to do it through gritted teeth it was the right thing to do and therefore I was willing to stand there and say sorry.
A lot of people have asked me to say sorry for other things and where I felt it was the right thing to do I did exactly that. I also offered my take on the situation when asked and agreed we needed to all go that extra mile to make sure it never happened again. I'm very much against nastiness and unpleasantness so the chance to have it stop was one I would never have turned down, and as a result I've made some new friends - albeit slightly hyper ones (my fellow fangirlers I'm talking about you here).
I am genuinely grateful that olive branches were extended and accepted, that peace was restored and that all became well with the world. I am happy to stand up and say sorry for the antagonism I caused the few involved because I believe that as much as I had rubbish thrown at me I did throw a lot back. I am sorry for that and they know it.
There is only one group of people who I will not apologise to. Those are the ones who have a problem with who I am or what I think. If I say something that someone deems offensive I am happy to discuss it, I'm even happy to be challenged on it but please don't ever tell me what I can and can't think. If you explain your point of view to me I may end up even agreeing with you, but that doesn't mean I am not entitled to my opinion.
I mean I said a particular fandom had a bizarre definition of normal. For the record I still believe we do but as part of that fandom I own that as much as anyone else, I am also amused by it as much as anyone else. I mean if you've been on twitter recently on Saturdays you will understand! I do apologise for the offence caused to the few who took it personally but to the rest of us who seem to spend a lot of time prepared to do all kinds of madness I say enjoy the crazy and I won't apologise for thinking we are all a bit bonkers!
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
June Challenge: Day 12: What do I miss?
Day 12, Wednesday: What do I miss? (a person, a thing, a place, a time of my life...)
Who do I miss?
I miss the people who are important to me when they aren't around. Right now that means I'm missing my fix of Tink because she is in New York with Leigh and even though I don't see her every day when she is at home she is always there. I also missed my mum when I was in Cardiff, because she is my closest friend in the world.
I miss Emma too because I've not seen her for a few days and I want to give her a hug, especially because right now every second with her counts. And I miss Toni because although we speak literally every few hours even when I'm at work it's really not the same as being in Glasgow telling stories.
What do I miss?
I collect possessions, I mean you might even call me a hoarder and you should see the piles and boxes of memories that I have. Tickets, gifts, tokens to remind me of events. However very few items actually mean that much to me and whilst I'd be sad to lose them as long as I had a few key things - most notably my mini rabbit cuddly - I would be just fine. I'd rather not be hung up on missing possessions, it's the people, experiences and memories that count.
Where do I miss?
I always miss Cardiff because it's the place I now feel safest and happiest, it's my place to run to when times are tough. Actually the same can be said for Wales in general. I also always miss Devon and Cornwall because they are the part of the world I've always felt at home and like I belong. I haven't been there for a while and I'm having withdrawal symptoms.
What time of my life do I miss?
I want to say being a tiny child with my imaginary horse at the bottom of my garden because life was simple then. I also want to say being 21, which was when my work career really took off but without the pressures and responsibilities of now. However in truth I don't regret the past and I fully believe you should live in the moment and look forward so whilst I look back with a tear or a smile I don't think I miss a time at all.
Who do I miss?
I miss the people who are important to me when they aren't around. Right now that means I'm missing my fix of Tink because she is in New York with Leigh and even though I don't see her every day when she is at home she is always there. I also missed my mum when I was in Cardiff, because she is my closest friend in the world.
I miss Emma too because I've not seen her for a few days and I want to give her a hug, especially because right now every second with her counts. And I miss Toni because although we speak literally every few hours even when I'm at work it's really not the same as being in Glasgow telling stories.
What do I miss?
I collect possessions, I mean you might even call me a hoarder and you should see the piles and boxes of memories that I have. Tickets, gifts, tokens to remind me of events. However very few items actually mean that much to me and whilst I'd be sad to lose them as long as I had a few key things - most notably my mini rabbit cuddly - I would be just fine. I'd rather not be hung up on missing possessions, it's the people, experiences and memories that count.
Where do I miss?
I always miss Cardiff because it's the place I now feel safest and happiest, it's my place to run to when times are tough. Actually the same can be said for Wales in general. I also always miss Devon and Cornwall because they are the part of the world I've always felt at home and like I belong. I haven't been there for a while and I'm having withdrawal symptoms.
What time of my life do I miss?
I want to say being a tiny child with my imaginary horse at the bottom of my garden because life was simple then. I also want to say being 21, which was when my work career really took off but without the pressures and responsibilities of now. However in truth I don't regret the past and I fully believe you should live in the moment and look forward so whilst I look back with a tear or a smile I don't think I miss a time at all.
Sunday, 9 June 2013
June Challenge: Day 11: Sell myself in 10 words or less
Day 11, Tuesday: Sell myself in 10 words or less
Well I guess its simple really.
Well I guess its simple really.
- Geek
- Honest
- Loyal
- Happy
- Determined
- Ethical
- Knowledgeable
- Diligent
- Daydreamer
- Writer
June Challenge: Day 10: Most embarrassing moment(s)
Day 10, Monday: Most embarrassing moment (s). Spill.
My most embarrassing moment, well what can I say? I've had so many. However rather than bore you senseless with all of them, because well if you want that you can message me personally - I don't fancy humiliating myself too much in public - I will just give you just one.
It was my year seven assembly, I was the shy geeky kid who wouldn't say boo to a goose. Our theme was fashion through the ages, and as I didn't want to speak I had to model two of the outfits - a 1970s skirt and top, and a 1990s skirt and top. I was so worried about the seventies outfit because it was PVC and I was embarrassed to be wearing something like that aged 11. However I walked with my head held high and didn't freak out, so it went well.
I had a couple of minutes to change into a skirt of my own for the nineties section and I was feeling so much more comfortable in my own clothes that I even did a twirl like we had been told models do. Forgetting as I did that my skirt was flared and so when I spun it flew up around my waist and I showed the entire school my knickers.
Yes really. Aged 11 I was red faced and mortified, and subjected to teasing for the remainder of the term. To say I was embarrassed is an understatement.
My most embarrassing moment, well what can I say? I've had so many. However rather than bore you senseless with all of them, because well if you want that you can message me personally - I don't fancy humiliating myself too much in public - I will just give you just one.
It was my year seven assembly, I was the shy geeky kid who wouldn't say boo to a goose. Our theme was fashion through the ages, and as I didn't want to speak I had to model two of the outfits - a 1970s skirt and top, and a 1990s skirt and top. I was so worried about the seventies outfit because it was PVC and I was embarrassed to be wearing something like that aged 11. However I walked with my head held high and didn't freak out, so it went well.
I had a couple of minutes to change into a skirt of my own for the nineties section and I was feeling so much more comfortable in my own clothes that I even did a twirl like we had been told models do. Forgetting as I did that my skirt was flared and so when I spun it flew up around my waist and I showed the entire school my knickers.
Yes really. Aged 11 I was red faced and mortified, and subjected to teasing for the remainder of the term. To say I was embarrassed is an understatement.
June Challenge: Day 9: A moment in my day
Day 9, Sunday: A moment in my day (this can be just a photo or both a photo and words)
I chose two photos. One of Cardiff Castle in the sunshine and one looking out over the beautiful blue water of Cardiff Bay. No words required really.
Perfect.
I chose two photos. One of Cardiff Castle in the sunshine and one looking out over the beautiful blue water of Cardiff Bay. No words required really.
Perfect.
Saturday, 8 June 2013
June Challenge: Day 8: A piece of advice I have for others
Day 8, Saturday: A piece of advice I have for others. Anything at all.
Gandhi said that you must be the change you wish to see in the world.
This is a piece of advice I've taken to heart and wish to pass on to others. People spend too much time criticising what goes on around them but don't do anything about it nor act in a way to support it.
The world around you is not perfect. We all must accept that. However if there are things you wish to change about the world in which you reside then you must live these changes yourself every single day. If you don't then you have no room to judge others for not doing so either. You want things to change then you need to change them yourselves. When you live your life differently others will follow.
So my advice: decide how you want the world to be and be that change. I mean if it was good enough for Gandhi it's good enough for me!
Gandhi said that you must be the change you wish to see in the world.
This is a piece of advice I've taken to heart and wish to pass on to others. People spend too much time criticising what goes on around them but don't do anything about it nor act in a way to support it.
The world around you is not perfect. We all must accept that. However if there are things you wish to change about the world in which you reside then you must live these changes yourself every single day. If you don't then you have no room to judge others for not doing so either. You want things to change then you need to change them yourselves. When you live your life differently others will follow.
So my advice: decide how you want the world to be and be that change. I mean if it was good enough for Gandhi it's good enough for me!
Friday, 7 June 2013
June Challenge: Day 7: The thing(s) I'm most afraid of
Day 7, Friday: The thing(s) I’m most afraid of
This one is easy for me although it might convince all of you I'm even weirder than you already think I am! Please don't disown me if you think I'm a freak following this blog post. I've got four things, each for their own reason.
1. Clowns
The enforced smiles, the clothes, the make up. I don't care if it's a clown that's smiling or one that looks like it's crying. I don't do clowns. They freak me out beyond belief. I've been to the circus before, I felt sick from the moment I arrived. Would you believe my mum never even noticed?
2. Ventriloquist dummies
I know they are just inanimate objects but I cannot shake the feeling that if I met one I may well be murdered in my bed by it that night. Far too chucky doll for my liking. On a school camping trip when I was 8 or 9 a friend told me about a dummy coming up the stairs and appearing in the doorway whilst a child was sleeping. I swear I didn't sleep a wink those days away.
3. Dinosaurs
The actual animal, regardless of extinction, and also them in movie or cartoon format. I am undeniably frightened by them to the point of nightmares. The thought of Jurassic Park makes me feel like I want to throw up so can you imagine what I thought when I heard about the "walking with dinosaurs" tour with the robot dinosaur representations? My worst fears realised! I think this started as a combination of the moving dinosaur exhibition at National History Museum and a cartoon I watched as a child. For months on end I refused point blank to sleep out of terror to the point my parents had to seek help from my school. Aged 7 I appear to have been disturbed, I am not entirely sure this issue ever was resolved.
4. Cotton Wool
This is a full on genuine phobia. I cannot stand to even be in the same room as the stuff, never mind touch it. I hate the texture and I hate the noise it makes when you tear it. I will leave a room if you have it and I've refused to open jewellery packaged inside it. Nothing else makes me feel that ill. You should have seen me earlier today when hospital technician took my blood and then came towards me with cotton wool, I shot out of that room faster than he could speak. This is the fear that embarrasses me on a regular basis and makes other people laugh at me regularly but I really can't help it. When I was little cotton wool was used to wipe away the blood when I grazed my knees, so I am certain somewhere along the way I started to associate it with pain. I can't think of another explanation for this one unfortunately.
So there you have it. My fears. Yes there are some other general ones about death and losing people which we all have but these are my specific things I'm frightened of. I'm a little odd and a bit quirky but that's just me!
This one is easy for me although it might convince all of you I'm even weirder than you already think I am! Please don't disown me if you think I'm a freak following this blog post. I've got four things, each for their own reason.
1. Clowns
The enforced smiles, the clothes, the make up. I don't care if it's a clown that's smiling or one that looks like it's crying. I don't do clowns. They freak me out beyond belief. I've been to the circus before, I felt sick from the moment I arrived. Would you believe my mum never even noticed?
2. Ventriloquist dummies
I know they are just inanimate objects but I cannot shake the feeling that if I met one I may well be murdered in my bed by it that night. Far too chucky doll for my liking. On a school camping trip when I was 8 or 9 a friend told me about a dummy coming up the stairs and appearing in the doorway whilst a child was sleeping. I swear I didn't sleep a wink those days away.
3. Dinosaurs
The actual animal, regardless of extinction, and also them in movie or cartoon format. I am undeniably frightened by them to the point of nightmares. The thought of Jurassic Park makes me feel like I want to throw up so can you imagine what I thought when I heard about the "walking with dinosaurs" tour with the robot dinosaur representations? My worst fears realised! I think this started as a combination of the moving dinosaur exhibition at National History Museum and a cartoon I watched as a child. For months on end I refused point blank to sleep out of terror to the point my parents had to seek help from my school. Aged 7 I appear to have been disturbed, I am not entirely sure this issue ever was resolved.
4. Cotton Wool
This is a full on genuine phobia. I cannot stand to even be in the same room as the stuff, never mind touch it. I hate the texture and I hate the noise it makes when you tear it. I will leave a room if you have it and I've refused to open jewellery packaged inside it. Nothing else makes me feel that ill. You should have seen me earlier today when hospital technician took my blood and then came towards me with cotton wool, I shot out of that room faster than he could speak. This is the fear that embarrasses me on a regular basis and makes other people laugh at me regularly but I really can't help it. When I was little cotton wool was used to wipe away the blood when I grazed my knees, so I am certain somewhere along the way I started to associate it with pain. I can't think of another explanation for this one unfortunately.
So there you have it. My fears. Yes there are some other general ones about death and losing people which we all have but these are my specific things I'm frightened of. I'm a little odd and a bit quirky but that's just me!
June Challenge: Day 29: Five songs or pieces of music that speak to me or bring back memories.
Day 29, Saturday : Five songs or pieces of music that speak to me or bring back memories.
Sometimes when you're asked a question the answer is easy to find.
1. Celine Dion 'Because you loved me'
2. Linkin Park 'Numb'
3. Coolio 'Gangsta's paradise'
4. Eva Cassidy 'Songbird'
5. Sarah McLachlan 'Full of grace'
All I will say is that one of these is a childhood favourite, one reminds me of teenage angst. Another drew me to an amazing television programme, a further is the most beautiful song ever sung and the last was sung by a friend at her own funeral. Can you guess which one is which?
Each memory is precious.
June Challenge: Day 27: An Open letter to my readers
Day 27, Thursday: An Open letter to my readers
Dear readers
This is not an easy time for me at present and things feel like they are only going to get worse with the imminent sad times ahead. The truth is that I'm struggling to get my head around all that has happened, all that is happening and all that will continue to happen to the point where actually curling up in a ball crying in the darkness feels like a perfectly reasonable option.
I've always been quite an emotional person and take things to heart easily. I'm also not as tough or strong as people around me seem to think. Where I believe in something I will fight for it to the bitter end but what if the thing I don't believe in the most is me?
Confidence has never been my strong point and now more than ever I'm being required to stand up and be counted in front of people I worry could tear me to shreds. Add that to the immense stress and pressure I'm under to make untenable situations work and the ever present degree of sadness that overwhelmingly drowns me every time I even consider my best friend and you've got a recipe for disaster.
I've always been very clear on who I am and what I stand for but gradually its like I'm losing myself in a sea of craziness that keeps pulling me under. I very much doubt that I'm in an emotionally healthy environment right now but there seems to be little I can do to fix things. Instead I'm just plodding along and occasionally flipping out and freaking to the point of wanting to stop the world so I can get off.
I want to be able to turn to the people around me for support but although I am unlikely to ever shut up and can talk for hours and hours I really do struggle to confide in people about things that actually matter which is why a lot of people are accusing me of pushing them away. Truth is I'm finding it hard to process friendship and genuine acts of kindness when the person I love most is dying. It's almost as if I'm frightened of feeling in case someone else leaves me behind.
So what am I trying to say? Firstly that I'm sorry if I'm sometimes off with people or come across harshly. I'm not meaning to and it's more self preservation than anything about you. Secondly I'm sorry if I appear to be an emotional yo yo or hormonal. I can't manage how I feel about Emma anywhere near as well as I'd like and it is clouding my ability to think clearly on other things.
Most of all though I'm just sorry for not being a good enough friend and for allowing this to wipe me out. I wish I had the energy left to be stronger but I'm tired out and drained. You know who you are if you matter to me and I hope you can give me the chance to make it up to you when things are a little calmer.
I love you all.
X x
June Challenge: Day 26: Something I read online today
Day 26, Wednesday: Something I read online today. I would leave a link and say something about it.
I've been up for hours and hours already today and have spent most of that time buried in Internet research. I won't post links because they are particularly distressing but what I've been searching for is precisely how someones dies from biventricular heart failure, what the steps will be and how long it takes.
For anyone who knows me you already know why I have a valid interest in the subject these days but it was hearing my girlie speak yesterday about her latest hospital appointment that really made me think.
I try to bury my head in the sand and not face up to the reality of the imminent departure of the person I love more than life. I guess sometimes that denial doesn't work as well as I'd like.
I just wish all my research had reassured me that she wouldn't be in any pain when the time came. Unfortunately it did not. Emma has already outlived her 'Expected Expiry Date' so every day is now a bonus. I just wish I didn't already miss her so much.
June Challenge: Day 25: Something someone told me about myself that I'll never forget (good or bad)
Day 25, Tuesday: Something someone told me about myself that I'll never forget (good or bad)
I actually think this was one of the easiest blog topics of the month, mainly because I tend to take to heart what people say about me and additionally where things are at in my life right now I've been having a lot of conversations about me and where I am going the past few weeks.
I think the thing I would focus on that I feel I need to change, although that doesn't so much mean it's bad, is that someone very senior to me has told me recently that I'm a workaholic and that I will burn myself out before I'm thirty if I'm not careful. Anyone who knows me would probably agree with that and I'm frequently being told I work too hard. I guess for me it's trying to balance what I need to do with what I want to do and what I believe other people expect me to do. All I know is that burning out is not an option that I wish to consider so I think there definitely needs to be some time taken to reflect on where I'm going and what I'm doing, plus more time spent writing as I find this settles my soul when I'm all over the place.
However what I've described is not the thing that has hit home the most. Many years ago now I got myself into a bit of a pickle because I did what I believed was the right thing to do despite knowing that other people would perceive that differently to me. For a while I was terrified I was about to lose everything I had worked so hard to achieve but when I was called to account for my actions things did not go as I anticipated. I was asked to honestly answer whether if faced with the same situation in the future I would act differently and I had to answer that I would not. For me what I had done was a matter of principle and conviction so therefore I was prepared to take the consequences. Far from being angry at me the person called on to challenge me over what had occurred turned to me and said that I had the strongest moral code he had ever come across and that he doubted anyone else would have been prepared to sacrifice what I had on the line over such an issue. He then made the point that they knew exactly who they were getting when they got me and that he wished there were more people like that in the world, people who were prepared to stand up and put their head above the parapet when it really counted.
To this day that conversation remains one that I can recite because I learned a lot about how other people perceive me that day and that you can gain far more respect from people by having an opinion and standing by it than you ever can by just being a "yes man".
June Challenge: Day 24: My top 3 worst traits
Day 24, Monday: My top 3 worst traits
Hmmmm. Only a top three? I think a lot of people might think I have more than that but there are three traits that stand out for me.
1. A lack of self confidence. Anyone who has seen me at work standing up in front of over a hundred people and presenting may well disagree but I am actually quite shy. I get incredibly nervous in new social situations and I spend a lot of time over analysing whether I'm good enough for a particular situation or circumstance. I have been working on this for years but recent events have proven to me that I've not quite tackled it yet.
2. Argumentative spirit. I like to make my point, especially because I'm good at making said point eloquently both in writing and verbally. However sometimes this urge to ensure my point is made means I end up bickering with people. That's not to say my point of view is not correct, usually I have a clear and coherent viewpoint that others will support. I guess the issue is that sometimes I really do need to know when to let something drop. On the plus side however I'm excellent at getting what I want from banks, councils etc.
3. Laziness. I'm the queen of procrastination and doing nothing. I can be as efficient as I want Monday to Friday working hours but outside of that I practically have to be coerced into doing what is needed, even when that something is a pleasant treat. If I could get away with spending my weekends and evenings vegetating then I'm sure I would do that. Unfortunately the to do list of doom is always there waiting for me and I battle against completing it on a daily basis.
I'm sure there are others but these would be my top three.
June Challenge: Day 23: Things I've learned that school won't teach me
Day 23, Sunday: Things I've learned that school won't teach me
School never really taught me that much, but then I never was that keen on the place to be fair. I much preferred doing my own thing in my own time and generally speaking things have worked out better for me that way. However there are a few specific things I feel school forgot to teach me.
Firstly how to manage money. I'm pretty good with money in that I've been saving since the dawn of time but there was no real financial education available. By the time I was 18 I was working full time and being offered all kinds of loans and credit cards. Thankfully I was sensible.
Secondly a sense of direction. I can find anywhere, I navigate public transport and car journeys without hesitation and if I am walking around I will always find my way to the right place. I've put this to the test in foreign countries and unfamiliar places too. I've got an inbuilt navigation system that I was not taught.
Thirdly how to survive the world of work. A couple of weeks work experience does not teach you how to self manage and self motivate yourself for five whole days a week, nor chair meetings, take minutes or do all the basic administration functions that come with most people's first jobs.
Fourthly how to use your common sense. School actually seems to drum this out of people by teaching them to the curriculum and not around it, by discouraging opportunities for independent projects. Sometime the right answer isn't always the one written down on the paperwork but schools cannot always see that.
Lastly school definitely did not teach me to challenge people. In fact the few times I challenged teachers I was removed from class for being disruptive and I frequently got detentions. I'm big on respect don't get me wrong but I think respect is given where you know you can question things. Schools have a tendency to take that as trouble making behaviour and deal with it accordingly.
Primarily though schools don't teach you to find yourself. You have to really want to look once you've left to start doing that. I hated the person I was back then but these days I've grown used to tolerating her. Schools don't teach you self respect or self confidence. You have to learn those skills for yourself.
June Challenge: Day 22: Rant about something
Day 22, Saturday: Rant about something. Get up on my soapbox and tell the world how I really feel. (a pet peeve, a current event, a controversial topic, something anyone does that really ticks me off)
I'm not a fan of marriage so let me clear that up before we start. I truly do not believe that anyone is capable of making the kind of commitment set out by that institution under the current vows and that therefore all anyone is doing by getting married is making a calculated gamble.
I think it's important to clarify that because what I'm about to say next does not come from any love of that system moreover my desire for full equality of all people.
The concept I am putting my point across about is gay marriage legislation and all the current legal arguments.
First of all does the fact that everyone refers to this as gay marriage mean that I have to start calling other marriages straight ones, because I really fail to see why people have to keep tagging that extra word in there like marriage is somehow going to be different if it is between two people of the same gender. I'm certain that all the ideals behind marriage - love, honour, cherish, faithful, till death etc - would apply equally to all couples wanting to make that commitment. I very much doubt that anyone would actually set out to make marriage about something else regardless of sexuality.
Secondly there seems to be this massive issue over religion and the various religious beliefs over non straight relationships. I find that actually hilarious given the dwindling church attendances in this country, the increasing number of people who choose to get married anywhere other than a religious building these days and the fact that I know many people who literally turned up for the classes the vicar put on until they got married and then never went back. I mean I think marriage has been so diluted down in this country from its original religious roots that I don't think this is going to change that. And that is despite the fact that most gay people I know would describe themselves as religious anyway but that's for another time.
The other point I've heard made is that there is likely to be a massive upsurge in people turning gay or that this will somehow lead to more non straight relationships. Do people really still believe sexuality is catching or that all gay people are predatory? I think there is quite an arrogance implied there on behalf of straight people in that there is a belief people would try to turn them. There has always been an under representation of gay relationships in society for numerous reasons, including the pressure to comply with the perceived cultural norm, so there may well be an increase in recording of non straight relationships. So what? I'm pretty certain it's not illegal these days and therefore people need to quit worrying about things which do not concern them.
However for all of these points I've raised there is one thing in the current debate that really irks me the most and that is the UK government and opposition parties using this very valid point of equality as a stick to beat people with. I'm not sure if they are trying to prove they are moving with the times or demonstrating their own tolerance, or in some cases lack thereof, but this should not be about party politics. I mean how many times can David Cameron stand up and give one of his 'right on' speeches before being brought to task by his back bench MPs until he realises he is fighting a losing battle? The fact that they are even arguing over a matter of equal rights when our economy is fast going to hell in a handcart and half the world seems to want to bomb the other is ludicrous.
If two people wish to get married having been in a long term committed relationship. I say good for them. Why is what sexuality they are even relevant to the conversation? We pride ourselves in this country on being progressive, well then stop debating and start doing. All people are equal so why are two women or two men less equal than one of each?
June Challenge: Day 6: What do you do?
Day 6, Thursday: If I couldn't answer with my job, how would I answer the question, 'what do you do'?
What do I do? I guess that is the question.
My work is such a big part of who I am that it is really hard to answer the question without referring to it. I mean, I work 6 days a week including evenings as standard which leaves very little time for anything else. However I love my job and all it entails, something which I have really learned about myself this week, and therefore I don't mind having more work in my work/life balance than I am sure is healthy.
However my role is not who I am, because this is something that I have only been for a number of years when in actual fact who I am is who I've been since I was a small child.
So what do I do? Who am I? I am a storyteller.
I've been telling stories in various forms since I was little. I wrote my first short story aged 5 and I was the child constantly making up playground games of fictional characters back in primary school. I used to tell the younger kids stories to captivate them and by the time I started secondary school the middle parts of all my exercise books were filled with random extracts of stories that fill my head. Now when I am sitting in silence inside my mind there are fictional characters having conversations, and I spend my life watching the world around me for story ideas. Every single thing that occurs around me influences my storytelling and my brain never ever shuts off from the madness of ideas and script snippets going round and round inside my head.
I make up stories from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to the moment I close them in the early hours of the next. It is very much part of who I am. My career plan is to become a scriptwriter, I want to tell stories for a living every single day.
So what do I do? I am a storyteller. I tell stories every single day. I'm happy that way.
What do I do? I guess that is the question.
My work is such a big part of who I am that it is really hard to answer the question without referring to it. I mean, I work 6 days a week including evenings as standard which leaves very little time for anything else. However I love my job and all it entails, something which I have really learned about myself this week, and therefore I don't mind having more work in my work/life balance than I am sure is healthy.
However my role is not who I am, because this is something that I have only been for a number of years when in actual fact who I am is who I've been since I was a small child.
So what do I do? Who am I? I am a storyteller.
I've been telling stories in various forms since I was little. I wrote my first short story aged 5 and I was the child constantly making up playground games of fictional characters back in primary school. I used to tell the younger kids stories to captivate them and by the time I started secondary school the middle parts of all my exercise books were filled with random extracts of stories that fill my head. Now when I am sitting in silence inside my mind there are fictional characters having conversations, and I spend my life watching the world around me for story ideas. Every single thing that occurs around me influences my storytelling and my brain never ever shuts off from the madness of ideas and script snippets going round and round inside my head.
I make up stories from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to the moment I close them in the early hours of the next. It is very much part of who I am. My career plan is to become a scriptwriter, I want to tell stories for a living every single day.
So what do I do? I am a storyteller. I tell stories every single day. I'm happy that way.
Thursday, 6 June 2013
June Challenge: Day 5: Professing my love
Day 5, Wednesday: Publicly profess my love and devotion for my favorite person, book or place. What makes it/them great?
I love To Kill A Mockingbird. There is an irony to that given I never read the book when it was a set text for my G.C.S.Es and managed to pass purely from having read the revision guide. The moment my exam was over and reading the book was no longer mandatory I read it on one sitting and fell in love. There is something so moving and beautiful about the innocence of Scout transposed against the racial and political tensions of the world around her and once the story grabbed my attention it refused to let go. This book is my favourite of all time and I've been to see a stage adaptation also. There are so many powerful messages within the piece that I feel Harper Lee deserves far more recognition than she ever received.
In terms of people, I would have to profess my love for my little sister who is affectionately known as Tink. She is someone I've watched grow up from an adorable child to a brilliant young woman. I was once asked if I was jealous of Tink. She had this ability to make friends more easily, she was far more creative and artistic etc. It isn't jealousy I feel but pride. I am ever so proud to call this girl my sister and I'm so grateful that I also get to call her a friend. Yes we do each other's heads in from time to time and we can have the most awful rows but that's what siblings do. She is most generous, kind hearted and genuine person. There is no side to my little sister, she just is who she is and all the more lovely for it. A lot of my favourite memories have been had standing beside her and I love her for standing beside me every step of the way - especially when I'm freaking out over something and need a rational point of view.
In terms of a favourite place, or a place that I love, well that is difficult. I fell for Iceland, but also the Grand Canyon and Yosemite National Park. I adore Wales but Devon and Cornwall are my home, in a feeling like I belong sense rather than physically. I am the sort of person that hates beaches and loves sightseeing but also wants to spend some time sitting back and enjoying the very spirit and essence of a place.
I guess if I had to choose one place though it would be somewhere I feel at home, because I am home. London is my city, I live in the suburbs and work right in the heart of town. It's so easy to forget what an amazing place this is when you're here every day. However just recently I've been standing back a little and appreciating that I'm lucky to be here. I can walk over to the Thames in a few minutes from my office and I'm immediately able to see all the key places that make up the skyline. I can see St Paul's Cathedral from my office window. There is a vibe I witness every day in the buzz of people that I've loved for longer than I realised. My favourite view of town is from Richmond Park where you get the most epic panorama of the city landscape. It's breathtaking. I don't think I ever gave it enough appreciation before. What more could you want from a place than what I currently have staring back at me every single day? I love it here. I smile here. My life is here. London is as much part of who I am as the job I do.
There we go then. I thought I'd tackle all three!
I love To Kill A Mockingbird. There is an irony to that given I never read the book when it was a set text for my G.C.S.Es and managed to pass purely from having read the revision guide. The moment my exam was over and reading the book was no longer mandatory I read it on one sitting and fell in love. There is something so moving and beautiful about the innocence of Scout transposed against the racial and political tensions of the world around her and once the story grabbed my attention it refused to let go. This book is my favourite of all time and I've been to see a stage adaptation also. There are so many powerful messages within the piece that I feel Harper Lee deserves far more recognition than she ever received.
In terms of people, I would have to profess my love for my little sister who is affectionately known as Tink. She is someone I've watched grow up from an adorable child to a brilliant young woman. I was once asked if I was jealous of Tink. She had this ability to make friends more easily, she was far more creative and artistic etc. It isn't jealousy I feel but pride. I am ever so proud to call this girl my sister and I'm so grateful that I also get to call her a friend. Yes we do each other's heads in from time to time and we can have the most awful rows but that's what siblings do. She is most generous, kind hearted and genuine person. There is no side to my little sister, she just is who she is and all the more lovely for it. A lot of my favourite memories have been had standing beside her and I love her for standing beside me every step of the way - especially when I'm freaking out over something and need a rational point of view.
In terms of a favourite place, or a place that I love, well that is difficult. I fell for Iceland, but also the Grand Canyon and Yosemite National Park. I adore Wales but Devon and Cornwall are my home, in a feeling like I belong sense rather than physically. I am the sort of person that hates beaches and loves sightseeing but also wants to spend some time sitting back and enjoying the very spirit and essence of a place.
I guess if I had to choose one place though it would be somewhere I feel at home, because I am home. London is my city, I live in the suburbs and work right in the heart of town. It's so easy to forget what an amazing place this is when you're here every day. However just recently I've been standing back a little and appreciating that I'm lucky to be here. I can walk over to the Thames in a few minutes from my office and I'm immediately able to see all the key places that make up the skyline. I can see St Paul's Cathedral from my office window. There is a vibe I witness every day in the buzz of people that I've loved for longer than I realised. My favourite view of town is from Richmond Park where you get the most epic panorama of the city landscape. It's breathtaking. I don't think I ever gave it enough appreciation before. What more could you want from a place than what I currently have staring back at me every single day? I love it here. I smile here. My life is here. London is as much part of who I am as the job I do.
There we go then. I thought I'd tackle all three!
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