Busy Times

So blogging has not been something that's seemed important to me recently, not because I don't like to blog but mainly due to my life becoming somewhat hectic in the last few months.

I guess it's easy when things are going well to forget what the difficult times are like, but let me tell you when they hit you they hit you hard.

With a work schedule that sees me up half the night on a good day it wouldn't have taken much for me to be knocked off course, and yet what actually happened in my life - whilst not seemingly dramatic to others - was significant enough to make me question everything that I hold dear.

I don't have a bad life, nor do I have a tough life, but what I do have is far more responsibility than I ever dreamed of having added to some immense pressures from other angles.

Basically a perfect storm of sleepless nights, feeling lousy and the ever changing sand shifting beneath my feet. No wonder I'm more tired now than I've ever been before.

For a while I truly started to look at myself in the mirror and wonder who I was, because the eyes staring back at me seemed to have no relation to the madness in my head. However slowly but surely I am beginning to take back little bits of myself with every passing day.

There have been some small minor victories, and some larger ones, there has been laughter as well as tears, and most importantly I'm beginning to realise what truly matters to me.

I think for the first time in a long time I have started to comprehend that I can do this. That I'm still me. And that somewhere inside me I'm a lot tougher than I give myself credit for.

Don't get me wrong, I've had more than one moment where I wanted to tell the world to sod off, crawl back under my blanket and enjoy the darkness but now every single thing I tick off my to do list is a positive step.

Today is a good day.

Gandi once said that you must be the change you wish to see within the world. I want the world to be a better place, therefore I've spent some time healing and I'm almost back, ready and raring to face the world once more.

To everyone who I have shut out, I look forward to catching up. To the people who are still there beside me, in spite of all my dark moods and angst, you'll never know how much that means to me.

I never want a summer like this again. However I will be stronger for it, and now I can face the future knowing I have a plan.

I'm glad I made it this far, there's still miles to go before I sleep but it's a start right?

Sorry for the rambling post, it's just sometimes what I really need to do is write things down. If I can put words to how I'm feeling, then I know I can begin to comprehend it, and recently I've been missing a whole heap of words. I'm just starting to have an understanding of what I'm feeling, where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. And now I can voice it I know what it is that I need to do.

Dark Noise

Sometimes the words just need to get out of my head. Sometimes the feelings and emotions just get all jumbled up. 

Dark noise

The dark tentacles of the imminent night drew down across the sky, strangling the last remaining elements of sunset that reddened the horizon, bringing with them a stillness that gave a cool glaze to the bare skin of her arms. Her unblinking eyes, puffy from the icy grip of the now ever present salty tears, stared longingly into the distance, desperately willing the blackness drowning out the light to envelop her completely. Her fingers danced a light touch across her wrist, drawing strength from the knowledge that the uneven surface they skimmed across was the result of her own rhythmic handiwork and yet she knew that her control was diminishing with every passing moment.

Instinctively she shuddered, the cold air seeping through her cotton pyjamas and bleeding into every fibre of her being. The intense ache that circled her jarred agonisingly against her aching bones and she sunk to her knees, curling herself up into a tiny ball in a failed attempt to shut out the world. She screwed her eyes up, overcome with a desire to quell the omnipresent noise that raged like thunder inside her head. Her mind had been racing for what felt like a lifetime, thoughts of all that she had lost, all that she had to lose and all that she would leave behind growing louder by the second until they consumed her.

The silent scream that escaped her lips caused her to break, a flood of emotion rushing out of her as if a dam had inextricably burst, pooling around her on the ground. Her eyes fluttered momentarily before they wedged themselves firmly shut, closed for eternity as the tension in her body climaxed fleetingly before draining completely leaving her sprawled lifelessly in the peace of the dark forevermore. 

June Challenge: Day 29: Five songs or pieces of music that speak to me or bring back memories.

Day 29, Saturday : Five songs or pieces of music that speak to me or bring back memories. 

Sometimes when you're asked a question the answer is easy to find. 

1. Celine Dion 'Because you loved me'

2. Linkin Park 'Numb'

3. Coolio 'Gangsta's paradise'

4. Eva Cassidy 'Songbird'

5. Sarah McLachlan 'Full of grace'

All I will say is that one of these is a childhood favourite, one reminds me of teenage angst. Another drew me to an amazing television programme, a further is the most beautiful song ever sung and the last was sung by a friend at her own funeral. Can you guess which one is which? 

Each memory is precious.