Busy Times

So blogging has not been something that's seemed important to me recently, not because I don't like to blog but mainly due to my life becoming somewhat hectic in the last few months.

I guess it's easy when things are going well to forget what the difficult times are like, but let me tell you when they hit you they hit you hard.

With a work schedule that sees me up half the night on a good day it wouldn't have taken much for me to be knocked off course, and yet what actually happened in my life - whilst not seemingly dramatic to others - was significant enough to make me question everything that I hold dear.

I don't have a bad life, nor do I have a tough life, but what I do have is far more responsibility than I ever dreamed of having added to some immense pressures from other angles.

Basically a perfect storm of sleepless nights, feeling lousy and the ever changing sand shifting beneath my feet. No wonder I'm more tired now than I've ever been before.

For a while I truly started to look at myself in the mirror and wonder who I was, because the eyes staring back at me seemed to have no relation to the madness in my head. However slowly but surely I am beginning to take back little bits of myself with every passing day.

There have been some small minor victories, and some larger ones, there has been laughter as well as tears, and most importantly I'm beginning to realise what truly matters to me.

I think for the first time in a long time I have started to comprehend that I can do this. That I'm still me. And that somewhere inside me I'm a lot tougher than I give myself credit for.

Don't get me wrong, I've had more than one moment where I wanted to tell the world to sod off, crawl back under my blanket and enjoy the darkness but now every single thing I tick off my to do list is a positive step.

Today is a good day.

Gandi once said that you must be the change you wish to see within the world. I want the world to be a better place, therefore I've spent some time healing and I'm almost back, ready and raring to face the world once more.

To everyone who I have shut out, I look forward to catching up. To the people who are still there beside me, in spite of all my dark moods and angst, you'll never know how much that means to me.

I never want a summer like this again. However I will be stronger for it, and now I can face the future knowing I have a plan.

I'm glad I made it this far, there's still miles to go before I sleep but it's a start right?

Sorry for the rambling post, it's just sometimes what I really need to do is write things down. If I can put words to how I'm feeling, then I know I can begin to comprehend it, and recently I've been missing a whole heap of words. I'm just starting to have an understanding of what I'm feeling, where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. And now I can voice it I know what it is that I need to do.

June Challenge: Day 5: Professing my love

Day 5, Wednesday: Publicly profess my love and devotion for my favorite person, book or place. What makes it/them great? 

I love To Kill A Mockingbird. There is an irony to that given I never read the book when it was a set text for my G.C.S.Es and managed to pass purely from having read the revision guide. The moment my exam was over and reading the book was no longer mandatory I read it on one sitting and fell in love. There is something so moving and beautiful about the innocence of Scout transposed against the racial and political tensions of the world around her and once the story grabbed my attention it refused to let go. This book is my favourite of all time and I've been to see a stage adaptation also. There are so many powerful messages within the piece that I feel Harper Lee deserves far more recognition than she ever received. 

In terms of people, I would have to profess my love for my little sister who is affectionately known as Tink. She is someone I've watched grow up from an adorable child to a brilliant young woman. I was once asked if I was jealous of Tink. She had this ability to make friends more easily, she was far more creative and artistic etc. It isn't jealousy I feel but pride. I am ever so proud to call this girl my sister and I'm so grateful that I also get to call her a friend. Yes we do each other's heads in from time to time and we can have the most awful rows but that's what siblings do. She is most generous, kind hearted and genuine person. There is no side to my little sister, she just is who she is and all the more lovely for it. A lot of my favourite memories have been had standing beside her and I love her for standing beside me every step of the way - especially when I'm freaking out over something and need a rational point of view. 

In terms of a favourite place, or a place that I love, well that is difficult. I fell for Iceland, but also the Grand Canyon and Yosemite National Park. I adore Wales but Devon and Cornwall are my home, in a feeling like I belong sense rather than physically. I am the sort of person that hates beaches and loves sightseeing but also wants to spend some time sitting back and enjoying the very spirit and essence of a place. 

I guess if I had to choose one place though it would be somewhere I feel at home, because I am home. London is my city, I live in the suburbs and work right in the heart of town. It's so easy to forget what an amazing place this is when you're here every day. However just recently I've been standing back a little and appreciating that I'm lucky to be here. I can walk over to the Thames in a few minutes from my office and I'm immediately able to see all the key places that make up the skyline. I can see St Paul's Cathedral from my office window. There is a vibe I witness every day in the buzz of people that I've loved for longer than I realised. My favourite view of town is from Richmond Park where you get the most epic panorama of the city landscape. It's breathtaking. I don't think I ever gave it enough appreciation before. What more could you want from a place than what I currently have staring back at me every single day? I love it here. I smile here. My life is here. London is as much part of who I am as the job I do. 

There we go then. I thought I'd tackle all three!