Twelve months ago today

Can you recall where you were precisely to the moment twelve months ago today?

I can. To the minute.

I remember the thunder storm, I remember the DVDs, I remember reading a book on a bench in Cardiff Bay. I remember the sound of laughter through tears. I remember sunshine through the rain.

But most of all I remember the gut wrenching moment my beautiful best friend told me she was dying and that I would lose her forever.

I've never known pain like that moment.
I've never known love like that moment.
I've never known fear like that moment.
And I've never known numbness like that moment.

A year ago today my life both ended and begun, a simultaneous act of existence that will remain with me forever. For it was in learning that I would lose her that I finally understood what it was to know her, to be the other half of her and to be the person she wanted to protect her. It was in learning that I had failed to keep her safe that I finally understood how to  keep her warm and it was in learning of her upcoming death that I finally understood what it was to keep her alive.

To my beautiful Emma who has defied the odds every single day, remember that I will always treasure that day. That moment where through the haze of words I wasn't strong enough to comprehend you reached up and wiped away my tears. You told me we would be strong together and that not even death could separate us.

Twelve months have passed. You're still fighting. I'm still struggling. We're still the other half of each other's soul. You're mine, I'm yours and the love and friendship we share, well that can never die.

It's you and me. Just like forever. Just like always. Just like eternity.

And that moment, a year ago today, remains ingrained in my heart, and in my mind, and will stay there, heading up a movie stream of memories of you that will keep me warm long after you've departed this mortal place.

You wiped my tears and I've wiped yours. Just as it should be. Just as it was. Just as it will be again.

A year ago today changed my world. I remember each moment with crystal clarity.

Never forget where you've been and the people who've held your hand along the way; you never know who may no longer be there to light the way for you where you're going next.

I love you Emma x x x

Dark Noise

Sometimes the words just need to get out of my head. Sometimes the feelings and emotions just get all jumbled up. 

Dark noise

The dark tentacles of the imminent night drew down across the sky, strangling the last remaining elements of sunset that reddened the horizon, bringing with them a stillness that gave a cool glaze to the bare skin of her arms. Her unblinking eyes, puffy from the icy grip of the now ever present salty tears, stared longingly into the distance, desperately willing the blackness drowning out the light to envelop her completely. Her fingers danced a light touch across her wrist, drawing strength from the knowledge that the uneven surface they skimmed across was the result of her own rhythmic handiwork and yet she knew that her control was diminishing with every passing moment.

Instinctively she shuddered, the cold air seeping through her cotton pyjamas and bleeding into every fibre of her being. The intense ache that circled her jarred agonisingly against her aching bones and she sunk to her knees, curling herself up into a tiny ball in a failed attempt to shut out the world. She screwed her eyes up, overcome with a desire to quell the omnipresent noise that raged like thunder inside her head. Her mind had been racing for what felt like a lifetime, thoughts of all that she had lost, all that she had to lose and all that she would leave behind growing louder by the second until they consumed her.

The silent scream that escaped her lips caused her to break, a flood of emotion rushing out of her as if a dam had inextricably burst, pooling around her on the ground. Her eyes fluttered momentarily before they wedged themselves firmly shut, closed for eternity as the tension in her body climaxed fleetingly before draining completely leaving her sprawled lifelessly in the peace of the dark forevermore. 

Before I die.....

Do you have a bucket list?

I always used to joke that I had a bucket list but really it was just a random list of things that had at one point or another popped into my head. There was no plan or coherence to these suggestions nor any sense of urgency. They were just concepts on a piece of paper; a list of maybes and could dos rather than possibilities for me to aim towards.

When someone you love is dying it does force you to pause and consider not only your own mortality but also how you've lived your life. Have I done everything I set out to do? No of course not. But am I proud of my achievements? Yes, very much so.

It was these musings that made me consider the idea of a bucket list more seriously. From the perspective of someone watching the person they love die I can see such a thing can be both a positive and a negative. I mean there are so many things Emma can tick off hers it's unbelievable but then again what of all the things she has yet to accomplish and now can never cross off? In that sense is a bucket list a list of proud moments, moments to cherish and hold onto, or is it very much a reminder of all the plans that will never be seen through to completion? A helpful blessing or a millstone around your neck?

Even now I'm not entirely sure on my perspective. I'd quite like to have a list of ambitions and goals, something to work towards but I'm scared that such a thing might just end up being a nice piece of paper on the wall that never gets acted upon. And what of thinking of its intended purpose - a list of good things to do before you die? Given the circumstances do I really want to have something that is a constant reminder of my own mortality?

Yet despite that I find there an appeal to this list, especially if it is one that Emma has the chance to contribute to before she departs. Like there would be a sense of achievement just in ticking things off that we always wanted to but couldn't do together. A way of remaining close even after she has gone.

I'd be interested in your thoughts. To have a bucket list or to not have a bucket list? Right now that really is the question!