Twelve months ago today

Can you recall where you were precisely to the moment twelve months ago today?

I can. To the minute.

I remember the thunder storm, I remember the DVDs, I remember reading a book on a bench in Cardiff Bay. I remember the sound of laughter through tears. I remember sunshine through the rain.

But most of all I remember the gut wrenching moment my beautiful best friend told me she was dying and that I would lose her forever.

I've never known pain like that moment.
I've never known love like that moment.
I've never known fear like that moment.
And I've never known numbness like that moment.

A year ago today my life both ended and begun, a simultaneous act of existence that will remain with me forever. For it was in learning that I would lose her that I finally understood what it was to know her, to be the other half of her and to be the person she wanted to protect her. It was in learning that I had failed to keep her safe that I finally understood how to  keep her warm and it was in learning of her upcoming death that I finally understood what it was to keep her alive.

To my beautiful Emma who has defied the odds every single day, remember that I will always treasure that day. That moment where through the haze of words I wasn't strong enough to comprehend you reached up and wiped away my tears. You told me we would be strong together and that not even death could separate us.

Twelve months have passed. You're still fighting. I'm still struggling. We're still the other half of each other's soul. You're mine, I'm yours and the love and friendship we share, well that can never die.

It's you and me. Just like forever. Just like always. Just like eternity.

And that moment, a year ago today, remains ingrained in my heart, and in my mind, and will stay there, heading up a movie stream of memories of you that will keep me warm long after you've departed this mortal place.

You wiped my tears and I've wiped yours. Just as it should be. Just as it was. Just as it will be again.

A year ago today changed my world. I remember each moment with crystal clarity.

Never forget where you've been and the people who've held your hand along the way; you never know who may no longer be there to light the way for you where you're going next.

I love you Emma x x x

June Challenge: Day 30: My reaction to the term: Letting Go

Day 30, Sunday:  My reaction to the term: Letting Go

What does letting go mean? Letting go means permitting something or someone to leave without arguing about it or trying to prevent them. It means losing my best friend to a terrible terminal medical condition but doing it with the most positive attitude that I can so that she doesn't have to watch me cry. 

Letting go is the hardest thing in the world to do because sometimes all you want to do is dig your heels in, throw a strop and tell the world to sod off because you want whatever it is to stay. 

I don't think I can give a coherent answer to this right now because the very concept of letting go of Emma and allowing her to die with good grace and dignity is something I have to do, even though every part of me wants to grab her by the hand and hold onto her sobbing my heart out until its all over. 

What do you do when the very thing you are being asked to let go is the one thing you know you can't live without? These days I get pissed off, I cry and I get angry - I hate that I am no longer in control of my own emotions but with everything else bubbling just underneath the surface I can't do anything different right now.

Soon I will have to let her go. Now I just have to hold her hand and hope that for now at least she stays.

June Challenge: Day 16: Something difficult about my "lot in life"

Day 16, Sunday: Something difficult about my "lot in life" and how I’m working to overcome it

My life isn't difficult, not really. I mean don't get me wrong things aren't always easy but they aren't bad either. I am very much a believer that we all go through our own "stuff", which can't be compared in size, volume or type to anyone else's and that it isn't what we go through that counts but how we pick ourselves up after it. 

For me at the moment my biggest challenge is that I am about to lose the person I love most and I'm not sure how I will cope once that day is here. The enormity of the weight of sadness I know will hit me is far too big to comprehend right now and it isn't going to be something I can just pick myself up from and carry on. 

I cannot change that she is going to die, unfortunately all options as far as that is concerned have been exhausted. All I can do is continue to love and support her, be there for her and help her make plans because she is getting weaker by the day and I hate seeing her in pain. 

I know that when the time comes she will have to leave and I will be left behind, yet I know that I will have to cope, carry on and live my life - not just because that is what she wants me to do but because that is what I need to do. We should have had a whole life of friendship together to enjoy everything we wanted to do, so I owe it to her to live life as I have always planned to. I will take each day as it comes, I will cherish the memories I have of our time together and I will just keep on putting one foot in front of the other. 

I don't want to lose her but in that I have no choice. Instead all I can do is keep going, living my life as I would always have done and knowing that when the wind rustles in the leaves right beside me my beautiful girl is there whispering in my ear. 

June Challenge: Day 27: An Open letter to my readers

Day 27, Thursday: An Open letter to my readers

Dear readers

This is not an easy time for me at present and things feel like they are only going to get worse with the imminent sad times ahead. The truth is that I'm struggling to get my head around all that has happened, all that is happening and all that will continue to happen to the point where actually curling up in a ball crying in the darkness feels like a perfectly reasonable option.

I've always been quite an emotional person and take things to heart easily. I'm also not as tough or strong as people around me seem to think. Where I believe in something I will fight for it to the bitter end but what if the thing I don't believe in the most is me? 

Confidence has never been my strong point and now more than ever I'm being required to stand up and be counted in front of people I worry could tear me to shreds. Add that to the immense stress and pressure I'm under to make untenable situations work and the ever present degree of sadness that overwhelmingly drowns me every time I even consider my best friend and you've got a recipe for disaster. 

I've always been very clear on who I am and what I stand for but gradually its like I'm losing myself in a sea of craziness that keeps pulling me under. I very much doubt that I'm in an emotionally healthy environment right now but there seems to be little I can do to fix things. Instead I'm just plodding along and occasionally flipping out and freaking to the point of wanting to stop the world so I can get off. 

I want to be able to turn to the people around me for support but although I am unlikely to ever shut up and can talk for hours and hours I really do struggle to confide in people about things that actually matter which is why a lot of people are accusing me of pushing them away. Truth is I'm finding it hard to process friendship and genuine acts of kindness when the person I love most is dying. It's almost as if I'm frightened of feeling in case someone else leaves me behind. 

So what am I trying to say? Firstly that I'm sorry if I'm sometimes off with people or come across harshly. I'm not meaning to and it's more self preservation than anything about you. Secondly I'm sorry if I appear to be an emotional yo yo or hormonal. I can't manage how I feel about Emma anywhere near as well as I'd like and it is clouding my ability to think clearly on other things. 

Most of all though I'm just sorry for not being a good enough friend and for allowing this to wipe me out. I wish I had the energy left to be stronger but I'm tired out and drained. You know who you are if you matter to me and I hope you can give me the chance to make it up to you when things are a little calmer. 

I love you all. 

X x 

June Challenge: Day 26: Something I read online today

Day 26, Wednesday: Something I read online today. I would leave a link and say something about it.

I've been up for hours and hours already today and have spent most of that time buried in Internet research. I won't post links because they are particularly distressing but what I've been searching for is precisely how someones dies from biventricular heart failure, what the steps will be and how long it takes. 

For anyone who knows me you already know why I have a valid interest in the subject these days but it was hearing my girlie speak yesterday about her latest hospital appointment that really made me think. 

I try to bury my head in the sand and not face up to the reality of the imminent departure of the person I love more than life. I guess sometimes that denial doesn't work as well as I'd like. 

I just wish all my research had reassured me that she wouldn't be in any pain when the time came. Unfortunately it did not. Emma has already outlived her 'Expected Expiry Date' so every day is now a bonus. I just wish I didn't already miss her so much. 

Before I die.....

Do you have a bucket list?

I always used to joke that I had a bucket list but really it was just a random list of things that had at one point or another popped into my head. There was no plan or coherence to these suggestions nor any sense of urgency. They were just concepts on a piece of paper; a list of maybes and could dos rather than possibilities for me to aim towards.

When someone you love is dying it does force you to pause and consider not only your own mortality but also how you've lived your life. Have I done everything I set out to do? No of course not. But am I proud of my achievements? Yes, very much so.

It was these musings that made me consider the idea of a bucket list more seriously. From the perspective of someone watching the person they love die I can see such a thing can be both a positive and a negative. I mean there are so many things Emma can tick off hers it's unbelievable but then again what of all the things she has yet to accomplish and now can never cross off? In that sense is a bucket list a list of proud moments, moments to cherish and hold onto, or is it very much a reminder of all the plans that will never be seen through to completion? A helpful blessing or a millstone around your neck?

Even now I'm not entirely sure on my perspective. I'd quite like to have a list of ambitions and goals, something to work towards but I'm scared that such a thing might just end up being a nice piece of paper on the wall that never gets acted upon. And what of thinking of its intended purpose - a list of good things to do before you die? Given the circumstances do I really want to have something that is a constant reminder of my own mortality?

Yet despite that I find there an appeal to this list, especially if it is one that Emma has the chance to contribute to before she departs. Like there would be a sense of achievement just in ticking things off that we always wanted to but couldn't do together. A way of remaining close even after she has gone.

I'd be interested in your thoughts. To have a bucket list or to not have a bucket list? Right now that really is the question!