Making plans, moving forward

Sorry I've not posted on here as much as I would have liked to recently but it has been both a busy and difficult few months for me. I've been battling a to do list as long as anything, enough emotional stress to make my world feel a pretty dark place and a health status that was shall we say less than healthy.

However 2014 is here and things are changing for me. I'm getting myself up to date, arranged and organised like never before. If I am going to get to where I both want and need to be this year, I've got to use my time productively and with a focus. Oh and stick to things because I am rubbish at that.

General organisation
For personal use in my own life I rely on my Remember the Milk app like no other. It's just what I need to prompt me to do everything from sending my nan a regular letter to checking when my mentee is available.  I love having the app to see a whole week at a glance and it's great at reminding me to do the basics, e.g. take tablets every day too.
For work I've just transferred my to do list to my outlook calendar because not only is this visible to me on my laptop but it syncs to my work blackberry too so I can do things whilst I'm travelling. Especially useful as South West trains are frequently delayed so I've always more time on my hands commuting than I would have wanted.

Writing
For my writing I've adopted the use of the Tasks n Todos app for android as this combines my multiple to do lists from my writing email account to an easy to use app on my phone. I use this to track tweets I must send, blog posts I must write, courses and networking opportunities to follow up on and also my scriptwriting progress of course. This is a useful way to track things that aren't as easy to remember as what project I'm working on and the irritating reminders are actually making me work harder to make them go away.

In addition I'm putting all my deadlines on a wall planner so I can start to track back and set smaller goals to ensure I achieve them.

Resolutions
This year I've a number of key resolutions that I'm trying to achieve and I'm using www.getgoaling.com to manage them. The site encourages you to set targets and tasks to help you achieve the major goals and is set out so I've a combined weekly schedule.
My resolutions for 2014 are split into three categories:

Financial
This encompasses buying a property, being financially stable and saving for a number of significant holidays. No small amount of pressure there then.

People I love
In light of recent tough times with Emma I've realised my priorities have been so screwed up I've neglected people around me therefore this encompasses strengthening my circle of friends and spending more quality time with family, especially my sister Tink, as I don't see her so much these days.

Health
My health has deteriorated in the past twelve months to the point where I've numerous diagnoses but am nowhere near feeling any better, therefore I endeavour to manage my health, diet, exercise regime and sleep cycle more proactively to change this for the better. Anything to feel well again would be good.

Daily checklist
Additionally to all of the above I've also adopted a goals tracker calendar for daily monitoring of some contributing factors. These were selected as they were not things I would never or always do but I wanted to make a significant change on that I could see progress against.

Eat at least one proper meal per day - 25 days per month
No fizzy drinks days - 15 days per month
No takeaway days - 25 days per month
No alcohol days - 25 days per month
Write at least 1000 words per day - 20 days per month

Three days into 2014 and I've managed 3, 0, 3, 3 & 2 respective label so doing well on all except giving up fizzy drinks. I might add more as I monitor some of my other goals and resolutions.

Summary
There you have it. I'm all good to go for 2014 and not only that but I've got  technology to support me, monitor me and hunt me down when I don't stick to the rules.

This has got to work right?

Now I just need to locate my pomodoro app to coerce me into doing more than just writing lists about all the things I'm going to do!

Twelve months ago today

Can you recall where you were precisely to the moment twelve months ago today?

I can. To the minute.

I remember the thunder storm, I remember the DVDs, I remember reading a book on a bench in Cardiff Bay. I remember the sound of laughter through tears. I remember sunshine through the rain.

But most of all I remember the gut wrenching moment my beautiful best friend told me she was dying and that I would lose her forever.

I've never known pain like that moment.
I've never known love like that moment.
I've never known fear like that moment.
And I've never known numbness like that moment.

A year ago today my life both ended and begun, a simultaneous act of existence that will remain with me forever. For it was in learning that I would lose her that I finally understood what it was to know her, to be the other half of her and to be the person she wanted to protect her. It was in learning that I had failed to keep her safe that I finally understood how to  keep her warm and it was in learning of her upcoming death that I finally understood what it was to keep her alive.

To my beautiful Emma who has defied the odds every single day, remember that I will always treasure that day. That moment where through the haze of words I wasn't strong enough to comprehend you reached up and wiped away my tears. You told me we would be strong together and that not even death could separate us.

Twelve months have passed. You're still fighting. I'm still struggling. We're still the other half of each other's soul. You're mine, I'm yours and the love and friendship we share, well that can never die.

It's you and me. Just like forever. Just like always. Just like eternity.

And that moment, a year ago today, remains ingrained in my heart, and in my mind, and will stay there, heading up a movie stream of memories of you that will keep me warm long after you've departed this mortal place.

You wiped my tears and I've wiped yours. Just as it should be. Just as it was. Just as it will be again.

A year ago today changed my world. I remember each moment with crystal clarity.

Never forget where you've been and the people who've held your hand along the way; you never know who may no longer be there to light the way for you where you're going next.

I love you Emma x x x

Halloween darkness

I should adore Halloween.

I'm the girl who is obsessed with demons, vampires and witches, with gremlins and ghouls and things that go bump in the night.

Yet that's not what Halloween means to me.

I don't like the fancy dress costumes, the pumpkins or the trick or treating. I don't appreciate people setting out with the intention of frightening me with creepy tales.

So what does Halloween mean to me?

It reminds me that monsters aren't the fairytale beasts hiding under the bed nor the spooky presences that shimmer through the shadows. The monsters in our reality are not something that would look at home in a costume shop.

Our monsters are human beings.

They're the rapists, murderers and abusers that walk the streets amongst us. Our monsters don't wear masks or fancy dress. They're just wondering the winding path beside us like they've always belonged.

It's not Halloween that scares me, instead it is the brutal reminder that it's not the darkness we should be afraid of but those that walk alongside us in daylight.

Who am I?

Who am I?

Sounds like a simple enough question to ask but for me it's no longer an easy one to answer. I've always been very clear on who I am, what I stand for and where I'm heading. However now I can clearly state that is no longer the case.

I look myself in the eye when I stare into the mirror and I swear I no longer know the girl staring back at me.

I've always been someone who pushes myself, someone who would happily work every hour in the world if I could see what I was working for and I would commit myself to a project without question.

In the past few months I've had all of that repeatedly thrown back in my face over and over again. I've been forced to question everything I know and everything that I am.

My conclusion: Even I don't like the person I've become. I'm not entirely sure how to live with that, and I tell you now I've never been more disappointed in myself than I am right now.

Who even am I anymore?

Busy Times

So blogging has not been something that's seemed important to me recently, not because I don't like to blog but mainly due to my life becoming somewhat hectic in the last few months.

I guess it's easy when things are going well to forget what the difficult times are like, but let me tell you when they hit you they hit you hard.

With a work schedule that sees me up half the night on a good day it wouldn't have taken much for me to be knocked off course, and yet what actually happened in my life - whilst not seemingly dramatic to others - was significant enough to make me question everything that I hold dear.

I don't have a bad life, nor do I have a tough life, but what I do have is far more responsibility than I ever dreamed of having added to some immense pressures from other angles.

Basically a perfect storm of sleepless nights, feeling lousy and the ever changing sand shifting beneath my feet. No wonder I'm more tired now than I've ever been before.

For a while I truly started to look at myself in the mirror and wonder who I was, because the eyes staring back at me seemed to have no relation to the madness in my head. However slowly but surely I am beginning to take back little bits of myself with every passing day.

There have been some small minor victories, and some larger ones, there has been laughter as well as tears, and most importantly I'm beginning to realise what truly matters to me.

I think for the first time in a long time I have started to comprehend that I can do this. That I'm still me. And that somewhere inside me I'm a lot tougher than I give myself credit for.

Don't get me wrong, I've had more than one moment where I wanted to tell the world to sod off, crawl back under my blanket and enjoy the darkness but now every single thing I tick off my to do list is a positive step.

Today is a good day.

Gandi once said that you must be the change you wish to see within the world. I want the world to be a better place, therefore I've spent some time healing and I'm almost back, ready and raring to face the world once more.

To everyone who I have shut out, I look forward to catching up. To the people who are still there beside me, in spite of all my dark moods and angst, you'll never know how much that means to me.

I never want a summer like this again. However I will be stronger for it, and now I can face the future knowing I have a plan.

I'm glad I made it this far, there's still miles to go before I sleep but it's a start right?

Sorry for the rambling post, it's just sometimes what I really need to do is write things down. If I can put words to how I'm feeling, then I know I can begin to comprehend it, and recently I've been missing a whole heap of words. I'm just starting to have an understanding of what I'm feeling, where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. And now I can voice it I know what it is that I need to do.

Dark Noise

Sometimes the words just need to get out of my head. Sometimes the feelings and emotions just get all jumbled up. 

Dark noise

The dark tentacles of the imminent night drew down across the sky, strangling the last remaining elements of sunset that reddened the horizon, bringing with them a stillness that gave a cool glaze to the bare skin of her arms. Her unblinking eyes, puffy from the icy grip of the now ever present salty tears, stared longingly into the distance, desperately willing the blackness drowning out the light to envelop her completely. Her fingers danced a light touch across her wrist, drawing strength from the knowledge that the uneven surface they skimmed across was the result of her own rhythmic handiwork and yet she knew that her control was diminishing with every passing moment.

Instinctively she shuddered, the cold air seeping through her cotton pyjamas and bleeding into every fibre of her being. The intense ache that circled her jarred agonisingly against her aching bones and she sunk to her knees, curling herself up into a tiny ball in a failed attempt to shut out the world. She screwed her eyes up, overcome with a desire to quell the omnipresent noise that raged like thunder inside her head. Her mind had been racing for what felt like a lifetime, thoughts of all that she had lost, all that she had to lose and all that she would leave behind growing louder by the second until they consumed her.

The silent scream that escaped her lips caused her to break, a flood of emotion rushing out of her as if a dam had inextricably burst, pooling around her on the ground. Her eyes fluttered momentarily before they wedged themselves firmly shut, closed for eternity as the tension in her body climaxed fleetingly before draining completely leaving her sprawled lifelessly in the peace of the dark forevermore. 

June Challenge: 30 days of blogging

I completed the 30 days of blogging challenge on Sunday, bringing to conclusion an interesting month of frequent postings and random musings on predetermined subjects. I only really started the process to see where it would take me but actually I've learned some interestingly striking things along the way that I thought I would share.

Firstly I've learned that when I'm being a stroppy cow I find it difficult to focus on a specific subject when the topic has been dictated to me. As a result a number of my postings were delayed whilst I worked hard to convince my brain to comply with what was required.

Secondly I've learned that I do not like to fail at anything so even when I got behind on posting on a few occasions I refused to give up and stayed up late to catch up on the entries I missed. It turns out that I set quite high expectations on myself and no one is harder on me than I am when I do not achieve these.

I also learned that I hate being told what to do as whether I was being asked to rant about something or just post a picture it was never what I felt like doing and I almost ended up eyeing my blog suspiciously to see if it had ulterior motives for making me deal with a particular topic.

Lastly I found the whole process vaguely cathartic in that by being pushed to consider what it is that I love, memories of my past and my concerns or worries about the future I managed to get some concepts down on paper that had been rattling around inside my head for a while. It's always nice to be reminded of a happy childhood moment and whilst less lovely it is incredibly timely for me to be considering my emotional status.

All in all the process both made sense to me but also completely frustrated me. However it has kept me blogging this past month and that at least is something I wish to continue.

June Challenge: Day 30: My reaction to the term: Letting Go

Day 30, Sunday:  My reaction to the term: Letting Go

What does letting go mean? Letting go means permitting something or someone to leave without arguing about it or trying to prevent them. It means losing my best friend to a terrible terminal medical condition but doing it with the most positive attitude that I can so that she doesn't have to watch me cry. 

Letting go is the hardest thing in the world to do because sometimes all you want to do is dig your heels in, throw a strop and tell the world to sod off because you want whatever it is to stay. 

I don't think I can give a coherent answer to this right now because the very concept of letting go of Emma and allowing her to die with good grace and dignity is something I have to do, even though every part of me wants to grab her by the hand and hold onto her sobbing my heart out until its all over. 

What do you do when the very thing you are being asked to let go is the one thing you know you can't live without? These days I get pissed off, I cry and I get angry - I hate that I am no longer in control of my own emotions but with everything else bubbling just underneath the surface I can't do anything different right now.

Soon I will have to let her go. Now I just have to hold her hand and hope that for now at least she stays.

June Challenge: Day 21: A list of links to my favorite posts on my blog.

Day 21, Friday: A list of links to my favorite posts on my blog.

So this is delayed from Friday, but never mind. My five current favourite posts from this blog. I think each speaks for itself if you read them. 

Longleat - Animal Magic

My favourite poem - Desiderata

My favourite quotes - June Challenge 4

Childhood stories & finding Heidi - June Challenge 18

Glasgow, sitting and the wonderful Toni

June Challenge: Day 20: Get real

Day 20, Thursday: Get real. Share something I’m struggling with right now.

Apologies for the delay. I have been putting off writing this for days, not because I did not know what to say but more that I was not sure how to say it. Things have gone very well for me this week, in terms of getting where I wanted to be - or at least thought I wanted to be, and yet ever since I have had this feeling that I am drowning under the weight of expectation. 

I have not been able to work out if this is just a result of me being worried about the pressure and stress to come, plus the consequential workload heading in my direction, or whether there is something more to it. All I know right now is that I am doubting my ability to cope.

The strangest part of all this is that everyone else around me is telling me I can do this, in fact each person who I count as someone I respect has individually told me how much they wanted me to get where I have and how they feel they cannot do this without me. I know I should be taking this as a compliment and enjoying basking in the glory of having people support me, but their words are having the opposite impact. If anything they feel like they are pushing me further under the water and preventing me from resurfacing. 

There is now so much at stake and so many people riding on me getting things working that I appear to have lost all confidence in what I do. I know deep down I love my life, my career and everything within it but right now I just want to turn out the lights, snuggle under the covers and wake up next year. 

What do you do when at the moment in time everyone around you places their trust in you to make things better you lose faith in yourself? Am I full of self-doubt for no reason? After all I would put my trust in the decisions of these people for every other matter that counts so why do I not believe them now? Or are their loyalties misplaced and am I about to royally screw up? 

I've had to make some tough calls the past few weeks and have stood up to be counted on more than one occasion. Usually I can trust my own judgement above other people's and I know myself inside and out. So why right now when I really need me to work hard, make decisions and steer this ship do I appear to have forgotten how to steer?

Drowning is not a pleasant sensation but I seem to have lost what little ability I had to swim. 

Save me? Or at least remind me how to save myself?