Day 10, Monday: Most embarrassing moment (s). Spill.
My most embarrassing moment, well what can I say? I've had so many. However rather than bore you senseless with all of them, because well if you want that you can message me personally - I don't fancy humiliating myself too much in public - I will just give you just one.
It was my year seven assembly, I was the shy geeky kid who wouldn't say boo to a goose. Our theme was fashion through the ages, and as I didn't want to speak I had to model two of the outfits - a 1970s skirt and top, and a 1990s skirt and top. I was so worried about the seventies outfit because it was PVC and I was embarrassed to be wearing something like that aged 11. However I walked with my head held high and didn't freak out, so it went well.
I had a couple of minutes to change into a skirt of my own for the nineties section and I was feeling so much more comfortable in my own clothes that I even did a twirl like we had been told models do. Forgetting as I did that my skirt was flared and so when I spun it flew up around my waist and I showed the entire school my knickers.
Yes really. Aged 11 I was red faced and mortified, and subjected to teasing for the remainder of the term. To say I was embarrassed is an understatement.
Sunday, 9 June 2013
June Challenge: Day 9: A moment in my day
Day 9, Sunday: A moment in my day (this can be just a photo or both a photo and words)
I chose two photos. One of Cardiff Castle in the sunshine and one looking out over the beautiful blue water of Cardiff Bay. No words required really.
Perfect.
I chose two photos. One of Cardiff Castle in the sunshine and one looking out over the beautiful blue water of Cardiff Bay. No words required really.
Perfect.
Saturday, 8 June 2013
June Challenge: Day 8: A piece of advice I have for others
Day 8, Saturday: A piece of advice I have for others. Anything at all.
Gandhi said that you must be the change you wish to see in the world.
This is a piece of advice I've taken to heart and wish to pass on to others. People spend too much time criticising what goes on around them but don't do anything about it nor act in a way to support it.
The world around you is not perfect. We all must accept that. However if there are things you wish to change about the world in which you reside then you must live these changes yourself every single day. If you don't then you have no room to judge others for not doing so either. You want things to change then you need to change them yourselves. When you live your life differently others will follow.
So my advice: decide how you want the world to be and be that change. I mean if it was good enough for Gandhi it's good enough for me!
Gandhi said that you must be the change you wish to see in the world.
This is a piece of advice I've taken to heart and wish to pass on to others. People spend too much time criticising what goes on around them but don't do anything about it nor act in a way to support it.
The world around you is not perfect. We all must accept that. However if there are things you wish to change about the world in which you reside then you must live these changes yourself every single day. If you don't then you have no room to judge others for not doing so either. You want things to change then you need to change them yourselves. When you live your life differently others will follow.
So my advice: decide how you want the world to be and be that change. I mean if it was good enough for Gandhi it's good enough for me!
Friday, 7 June 2013
June Challenge: Day 7: The thing(s) I'm most afraid of
Day 7, Friday: The thing(s) I’m most afraid of
This one is easy for me although it might convince all of you I'm even weirder than you already think I am! Please don't disown me if you think I'm a freak following this blog post. I've got four things, each for their own reason.
1. Clowns
The enforced smiles, the clothes, the make up. I don't care if it's a clown that's smiling or one that looks like it's crying. I don't do clowns. They freak me out beyond belief. I've been to the circus before, I felt sick from the moment I arrived. Would you believe my mum never even noticed?
2. Ventriloquist dummies
I know they are just inanimate objects but I cannot shake the feeling that if I met one I may well be murdered in my bed by it that night. Far too chucky doll for my liking. On a school camping trip when I was 8 or 9 a friend told me about a dummy coming up the stairs and appearing in the doorway whilst a child was sleeping. I swear I didn't sleep a wink those days away.
3. Dinosaurs
The actual animal, regardless of extinction, and also them in movie or cartoon format. I am undeniably frightened by them to the point of nightmares. The thought of Jurassic Park makes me feel like I want to throw up so can you imagine what I thought when I heard about the "walking with dinosaurs" tour with the robot dinosaur representations? My worst fears realised! I think this started as a combination of the moving dinosaur exhibition at National History Museum and a cartoon I watched as a child. For months on end I refused point blank to sleep out of terror to the point my parents had to seek help from my school. Aged 7 I appear to have been disturbed, I am not entirely sure this issue ever was resolved.
4. Cotton Wool
This is a full on genuine phobia. I cannot stand to even be in the same room as the stuff, never mind touch it. I hate the texture and I hate the noise it makes when you tear it. I will leave a room if you have it and I've refused to open jewellery packaged inside it. Nothing else makes me feel that ill. You should have seen me earlier today when hospital technician took my blood and then came towards me with cotton wool, I shot out of that room faster than he could speak. This is the fear that embarrasses me on a regular basis and makes other people laugh at me regularly but I really can't help it. When I was little cotton wool was used to wipe away the blood when I grazed my knees, so I am certain somewhere along the way I started to associate it with pain. I can't think of another explanation for this one unfortunately.
So there you have it. My fears. Yes there are some other general ones about death and losing people which we all have but these are my specific things I'm frightened of. I'm a little odd and a bit quirky but that's just me!
This one is easy for me although it might convince all of you I'm even weirder than you already think I am! Please don't disown me if you think I'm a freak following this blog post. I've got four things, each for their own reason.
1. Clowns
The enforced smiles, the clothes, the make up. I don't care if it's a clown that's smiling or one that looks like it's crying. I don't do clowns. They freak me out beyond belief. I've been to the circus before, I felt sick from the moment I arrived. Would you believe my mum never even noticed?
2. Ventriloquist dummies
I know they are just inanimate objects but I cannot shake the feeling that if I met one I may well be murdered in my bed by it that night. Far too chucky doll for my liking. On a school camping trip when I was 8 or 9 a friend told me about a dummy coming up the stairs and appearing in the doorway whilst a child was sleeping. I swear I didn't sleep a wink those days away.
3. Dinosaurs
The actual animal, regardless of extinction, and also them in movie or cartoon format. I am undeniably frightened by them to the point of nightmares. The thought of Jurassic Park makes me feel like I want to throw up so can you imagine what I thought when I heard about the "walking with dinosaurs" tour with the robot dinosaur representations? My worst fears realised! I think this started as a combination of the moving dinosaur exhibition at National History Museum and a cartoon I watched as a child. For months on end I refused point blank to sleep out of terror to the point my parents had to seek help from my school. Aged 7 I appear to have been disturbed, I am not entirely sure this issue ever was resolved.
4. Cotton Wool
This is a full on genuine phobia. I cannot stand to even be in the same room as the stuff, never mind touch it. I hate the texture and I hate the noise it makes when you tear it. I will leave a room if you have it and I've refused to open jewellery packaged inside it. Nothing else makes me feel that ill. You should have seen me earlier today when hospital technician took my blood and then came towards me with cotton wool, I shot out of that room faster than he could speak. This is the fear that embarrasses me on a regular basis and makes other people laugh at me regularly but I really can't help it. When I was little cotton wool was used to wipe away the blood when I grazed my knees, so I am certain somewhere along the way I started to associate it with pain. I can't think of another explanation for this one unfortunately.
So there you have it. My fears. Yes there are some other general ones about death and losing people which we all have but these are my specific things I'm frightened of. I'm a little odd and a bit quirky but that's just me!
June Challenge: Day 29: Five songs or pieces of music that speak to me or bring back memories.
Day 29, Saturday : Five songs or pieces of music that speak to me or bring back memories.
Sometimes when you're asked a question the answer is easy to find.
1. Celine Dion 'Because you loved me'
2. Linkin Park 'Numb'
3. Coolio 'Gangsta's paradise'
4. Eva Cassidy 'Songbird'
5. Sarah McLachlan 'Full of grace'
All I will say is that one of these is a childhood favourite, one reminds me of teenage angst. Another drew me to an amazing television programme, a further is the most beautiful song ever sung and the last was sung by a friend at her own funeral. Can you guess which one is which?
Each memory is precious.
June Challenge: Day 27: An Open letter to my readers
Day 27, Thursday: An Open letter to my readers
Dear readers
This is not an easy time for me at present and things feel like they are only going to get worse with the imminent sad times ahead. The truth is that I'm struggling to get my head around all that has happened, all that is happening and all that will continue to happen to the point where actually curling up in a ball crying in the darkness feels like a perfectly reasonable option.
I've always been quite an emotional person and take things to heart easily. I'm also not as tough or strong as people around me seem to think. Where I believe in something I will fight for it to the bitter end but what if the thing I don't believe in the most is me?
Confidence has never been my strong point and now more than ever I'm being required to stand up and be counted in front of people I worry could tear me to shreds. Add that to the immense stress and pressure I'm under to make untenable situations work and the ever present degree of sadness that overwhelmingly drowns me every time I even consider my best friend and you've got a recipe for disaster.
I've always been very clear on who I am and what I stand for but gradually its like I'm losing myself in a sea of craziness that keeps pulling me under. I very much doubt that I'm in an emotionally healthy environment right now but there seems to be little I can do to fix things. Instead I'm just plodding along and occasionally flipping out and freaking to the point of wanting to stop the world so I can get off.
I want to be able to turn to the people around me for support but although I am unlikely to ever shut up and can talk for hours and hours I really do struggle to confide in people about things that actually matter which is why a lot of people are accusing me of pushing them away. Truth is I'm finding it hard to process friendship and genuine acts of kindness when the person I love most is dying. It's almost as if I'm frightened of feeling in case someone else leaves me behind.
So what am I trying to say? Firstly that I'm sorry if I'm sometimes off with people or come across harshly. I'm not meaning to and it's more self preservation than anything about you. Secondly I'm sorry if I appear to be an emotional yo yo or hormonal. I can't manage how I feel about Emma anywhere near as well as I'd like and it is clouding my ability to think clearly on other things.
Most of all though I'm just sorry for not being a good enough friend and for allowing this to wipe me out. I wish I had the energy left to be stronger but I'm tired out and drained. You know who you are if you matter to me and I hope you can give me the chance to make it up to you when things are a little calmer.
I love you all.
X x
June Challenge: Day 26: Something I read online today
Day 26, Wednesday: Something I read online today. I would leave a link and say something about it.
I've been up for hours and hours already today and have spent most of that time buried in Internet research. I won't post links because they are particularly distressing but what I've been searching for is precisely how someones dies from biventricular heart failure, what the steps will be and how long it takes.
For anyone who knows me you already know why I have a valid interest in the subject these days but it was hearing my girlie speak yesterday about her latest hospital appointment that really made me think.
I try to bury my head in the sand and not face up to the reality of the imminent departure of the person I love more than life. I guess sometimes that denial doesn't work as well as I'd like.
I just wish all my research had reassured me that she wouldn't be in any pain when the time came. Unfortunately it did not. Emma has already outlived her 'Expected Expiry Date' so every day is now a bonus. I just wish I didn't already miss her so much.
June Challenge: Day 25: Something someone told me about myself that I'll never forget (good or bad)
Day 25, Tuesday: Something someone told me about myself that I'll never forget (good or bad)
I actually think this was one of the easiest blog topics of the month, mainly because I tend to take to heart what people say about me and additionally where things are at in my life right now I've been having a lot of conversations about me and where I am going the past few weeks.
I think the thing I would focus on that I feel I need to change, although that doesn't so much mean it's bad, is that someone very senior to me has told me recently that I'm a workaholic and that I will burn myself out before I'm thirty if I'm not careful. Anyone who knows me would probably agree with that and I'm frequently being told I work too hard. I guess for me it's trying to balance what I need to do with what I want to do and what I believe other people expect me to do. All I know is that burning out is not an option that I wish to consider so I think there definitely needs to be some time taken to reflect on where I'm going and what I'm doing, plus more time spent writing as I find this settles my soul when I'm all over the place.
However what I've described is not the thing that has hit home the most. Many years ago now I got myself into a bit of a pickle because I did what I believed was the right thing to do despite knowing that other people would perceive that differently to me. For a while I was terrified I was about to lose everything I had worked so hard to achieve but when I was called to account for my actions things did not go as I anticipated. I was asked to honestly answer whether if faced with the same situation in the future I would act differently and I had to answer that I would not. For me what I had done was a matter of principle and conviction so therefore I was prepared to take the consequences. Far from being angry at me the person called on to challenge me over what had occurred turned to me and said that I had the strongest moral code he had ever come across and that he doubted anyone else would have been prepared to sacrifice what I had on the line over such an issue. He then made the point that they knew exactly who they were getting when they got me and that he wished there were more people like that in the world, people who were prepared to stand up and put their head above the parapet when it really counted.
To this day that conversation remains one that I can recite because I learned a lot about how other people perceive me that day and that you can gain far more respect from people by having an opinion and standing by it than you ever can by just being a "yes man".
June Challenge: Day 24: My top 3 worst traits
Day 24, Monday: My top 3 worst traits
Hmmmm. Only a top three? I think a lot of people might think I have more than that but there are three traits that stand out for me.
1. A lack of self confidence. Anyone who has seen me at work standing up in front of over a hundred people and presenting may well disagree but I am actually quite shy. I get incredibly nervous in new social situations and I spend a lot of time over analysing whether I'm good enough for a particular situation or circumstance. I have been working on this for years but recent events have proven to me that I've not quite tackled it yet.
2. Argumentative spirit. I like to make my point, especially because I'm good at making said point eloquently both in writing and verbally. However sometimes this urge to ensure my point is made means I end up bickering with people. That's not to say my point of view is not correct, usually I have a clear and coherent viewpoint that others will support. I guess the issue is that sometimes I really do need to know when to let something drop. On the plus side however I'm excellent at getting what I want from banks, councils etc.
3. Laziness. I'm the queen of procrastination and doing nothing. I can be as efficient as I want Monday to Friday working hours but outside of that I practically have to be coerced into doing what is needed, even when that something is a pleasant treat. If I could get away with spending my weekends and evenings vegetating then I'm sure I would do that. Unfortunately the to do list of doom is always there waiting for me and I battle against completing it on a daily basis.
I'm sure there are others but these would be my top three.
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