Before I die.....

Do you have a bucket list?

I always used to joke that I had a bucket list but really it was just a random list of things that had at one point or another popped into my head. There was no plan or coherence to these suggestions nor any sense of urgency. They were just concepts on a piece of paper; a list of maybes and could dos rather than possibilities for me to aim towards.

When someone you love is dying it does force you to pause and consider not only your own mortality but also how you've lived your life. Have I done everything I set out to do? No of course not. But am I proud of my achievements? Yes, very much so.

It was these musings that made me consider the idea of a bucket list more seriously. From the perspective of someone watching the person they love die I can see such a thing can be both a positive and a negative. I mean there are so many things Emma can tick off hers it's unbelievable but then again what of all the things she has yet to accomplish and now can never cross off? In that sense is a bucket list a list of proud moments, moments to cherish and hold onto, or is it very much a reminder of all the plans that will never be seen through to completion? A helpful blessing or a millstone around your neck?

Even now I'm not entirely sure on my perspective. I'd quite like to have a list of ambitions and goals, something to work towards but I'm scared that such a thing might just end up being a nice piece of paper on the wall that never gets acted upon. And what of thinking of its intended purpose - a list of good things to do before you die? Given the circumstances do I really want to have something that is a constant reminder of my own mortality?

Yet despite that I find there an appeal to this list, especially if it is one that Emma has the chance to contribute to before she departs. Like there would be a sense of achievement just in ticking things off that we always wanted to but couldn't do together. A way of remaining close even after she has gone.

I'd be interested in your thoughts. To have a bucket list or to not have a bucket list? Right now that really is the question!