A message from Emma

It isn’t much, a text of just four simple words followed by a kiss:

“I’m proud of you x”

You may ask why, given that all I have done is travel to Glasgow and back to visit a friend but there is significance to this event that even I have only just begun to comprehend.

If I had my choice I would spend the rest of my life travelling the world with Emma, of that there is no doubt, but choice and time are against me and she will soon be departing this life. A year ago when she was emigrating I told her that I couldn’t do this without her, that I needed her by my side, little knowing how poignant those words would be today.

And yes, I do still need her, I do still want her and I would give the world for her to stay, but in her eyes my little jaunt up north to Scotland was my way of proving that I can do this on my own. I can reach out to people who aren’t her, I can make plans for the future, I can find someone to talk to who understands me in a way I thought no one else except her would, and I can smile. A genuine smile of happiness.

I think Emma needed to know I could do that. I think I needed to know I could do that. It may only have been a short hop to Glasgow, but it was a million miles of reassurance because it meant so much more than just a few days break. It means that I have tomorrow, when Emma only has today and it means that I am learning to accept that I have a future without her. Nothing burns more than that, but nothing was more necessary than making sure I could deal with it.

So I had a weepy moment on the plane and part of me wanted to just run to give her a hug. But actually she is proud of me for taking baby steps. I don’t think anything means more to me than that. 

Today I have Emma and I have smiley memories of a lovely break in a city I'd never been to before. Tomorrow I have the future, and whilst I know it will hurt to lose her, she wants me to be okay and to treasure her memory I am going to be just that.