Before I die.....

Do you have a bucket list?

I always used to joke that I had a bucket list but really it was just a random list of things that had at one point or another popped into my head. There was no plan or coherence to these suggestions nor any sense of urgency. They were just concepts on a piece of paper; a list of maybes and could dos rather than possibilities for me to aim towards.

When someone you love is dying it does force you to pause and consider not only your own mortality but also how you've lived your life. Have I done everything I set out to do? No of course not. But am I proud of my achievements? Yes, very much so.

It was these musings that made me consider the idea of a bucket list more seriously. From the perspective of someone watching the person they love die I can see such a thing can be both a positive and a negative. I mean there are so many things Emma can tick off hers it's unbelievable but then again what of all the things she has yet to accomplish and now can never cross off? In that sense is a bucket list a list of proud moments, moments to cherish and hold onto, or is it very much a reminder of all the plans that will never be seen through to completion? A helpful blessing or a millstone around your neck?

Even now I'm not entirely sure on my perspective. I'd quite like to have a list of ambitions and goals, something to work towards but I'm scared that such a thing might just end up being a nice piece of paper on the wall that never gets acted upon. And what of thinking of its intended purpose - a list of good things to do before you die? Given the circumstances do I really want to have something that is a constant reminder of my own mortality?

Yet despite that I find there an appeal to this list, especially if it is one that Emma has the chance to contribute to before she departs. Like there would be a sense of achievement just in ticking things off that we always wanted to but couldn't do together. A way of remaining close even after she has gone.

I'd be interested in your thoughts. To have a bucket list or to not have a bucket list? Right now that really is the question!

Just taking the time to enjoy yourself

Anyone who has commitments in their life, be that work or studying or regular plans, knows how easy it is to get caught up in the day to day madness of what you consider normality.

As I've referenced on this blog before I have recently been taking some time out to sit back, chill out and enjoy just taking some time. However even I don't think it was my intention to have 3 weekends away in May!

I spent the first weekend away in Glasgow, a trip that possibly did me more good than any other I've had in years. I then spent a weekend enjoying the sunshine and animals at Longleat, before heading to the best concert I've ever been to (still can't believe Lana del Rey hugged me but there we go). And this weekend I've been to my nan's for a couple of days of relaxation.

I don't think I've had this many plans in such a short period of time in years but what I've learned from all this is three things.

1. Spending time away smiling, laughing and just generally enjoying myself is a definite positive.

2. I've learned to take the time to do what I want to do not just what I need to do and that change of balance is something that was long overdue.

3. I need to translate my new attitude to my normal life more. I can't keep disappearing away for weekends as much as I would like to. I mean my credit card would rebel for one thing.

So my next mission should I choose to accept it (which I already have done) is to apply my new relaxed attitude and ability to rise above the madness to my daily life more. I've come a long way since early May that much is true but I'm determined that I won't lose this new attitude when my weekends away cease.

But in the meantime I've got Cardiff to look forward to in two weeks time. Maybe I really should just keep planning weekends away instead!

Where next? Any suggestions?

Animal Magic!

On Saturday 18th May I went to Longleat Safari Park with Emma. Now the first thing I should say here is that I do not like the idea of animals in cages, so I was concerned by what to expect. I am pleased to report that I need not have worried, the animals at Longleat had so much space, were in really good condition and were obviously still as wild as they come. I was much impressed. As well as taking our own tour of the park in my car, we also took in an off road safari with a guide and I have to say it was money well spent. We got so close to the animals and were able to take so many pictures over those few hours, and the memories of that afternoon and the laughs we shared at the crazy animal behaviour around us will live with me forever.

I'm not going to bore you to tears with the 600 photographs I took that afternoon (yes, really, 600! I had to plug my phone into my laptop to ensure I could recharge my battery as we went) but instead just point out a few highlights in the hope it might make you want to go yourself. If you can get there, I would thoroughly recommend it!

The African Plain area

Gorgeous cheetah

There was so much monkey madness it was untrue. I mean, who knew monkey's hitch hiked and then tried to total your vehicle?

Small monkey liked my windscreen wipers!

Mummy and baby!

And after the madness of monkeys, we moved onto the majesty of the gentle giants - the giraffes. 

Only it turned out that these creatures are goofy as hell!

Doing the splits!

Smile

Being hand fed... the tongue touching me was a little gross!

What a poser!

 The lions were a creature we had been looking forward to seeing and they did not disappoint one bit!

Pose for the camera!

Daddy dearest!

Family time

Siamese lions?

 We then walked with meerkats and lemurs! I think I nearly passed out I was squealing so much!

Spying on the sky!

Wondering if the camera person was about to eat them!

Lemur!

Smile for the camera!

So close to this big beast!

Tiger crossing!

Beautiful tiger

Wolf dancing!

We headed back into our car and drove through the African plains, making friends with some animals along the way!

The African plains, the tiger homelands and the wolf kingdom. What an amazing place.

RHINO!

We spent the day at Longleat, it really wasn't long enough. I will definitely be going back again. Okay, it wasn't the South African safari Emma and I had always dreamed of, but for a UK adventure and to make one of her dreams come true? Well we couldn't have asked for more!

Truth. Love. Courage.

A number of years ago Emma and I wanted to come up with our own motto for how to live our lives that summed up who we were, what we thought and how we behaved. We spent a long time considering what mattered to us and what we thought were the most important elements of ourselves, which led us to the following that I am sharing with you today.

You must live your life with TLC.

Now that doesn't mean the obvious definition of that abbreviation. Instead it means truth, love and courage. Each of which has been split further into a trio of rules to abide by to live life well.

Truth
1. Be honest with people
2. Be true to yourself
3. Be genuine about who you are

Love
1. Be loving, give love freely
2. Be kind and charitable
3. Be generous with your time and spirit

Courage
1. Be brave in the face of danger
2. Be courageous in the face of personal adversity
3. Be courageous, have the courage of your convictions

What do you think of these rules? I aim to live by all of them every single day which isn't always easy but I do believe is right.

Live your life with truth, love and courage. Every single day.

Busy People

There is that saying if you want something doing give it to a busy person, never before has a truer word been spoken.

As I have referenced before; until recently my work/life balance was so skewed in the wrong direction I surprise I managed to function as a human being outside of the office and my to do lists of doom never got finished, as a certain someone who receives them each week will testify. However being so busy meant that when I wanted something doing I moved mountains to get it done.

Now I have prioritised my life differently I am actually even more busy most of the day, mainly because I have crammed the same amount of work into fewer hours. I never thought that would be possible but I was wrong there.

And yet despite having far more to do and less time to do it I am actually being more time efficient and getting more stuff done. I am certain there must be a breaking point where someone physically can't take on any more to do but right now I am finding that both productivity and writing time are both on the up.

Which means I have reasons to smile every single day! If you want something doing, give it to a busy person and make sure they have a reason to smile. You'll be surprised how much we can get done.

Still Smiling

Two weeks ago I was in Glasgow learning to take time out of my busy schedule to just sit, think, chat and smile. I said then that I thought something in me had changed, in fact people around me said similar - I seemed less stressed out, more willing to just see what happened and happy to just be.

On Friday I did one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do in my entire life I'm certain. It wasn't easy, it wasn't smiley but that was counterbalanced completely by yesterday's epic events (more on those another time no doubt). Things are going to get very hard soon enough but that doesn't mean that I have to succumb to being sad all the time.

I guess it was taking time out that made me realise that I have been spending far too long focusing on one element of my life. That has helped me refocus, gather my thoughts and sort my head out. I now spend more time thinking about what I want to, doing what I enjoy and just giving myself the space to understand what is going on around me.

Glasgow was just meant to have been a short break but it came at precisely the right moment and I really do appear to be a different person because of it.

Which means a certain amazing Scottish friend of mine is owed a debt of gratitude!

Weekend Plans

I'm all excited with myself like a small child!

Why?

This weekend I'm going to Longleat Safari Park. I'm going in an off road jeep around the park and I'm going to meet some meerkats. Yes, really!

Emma and I are going on safari because she won't ever make it to the dream holiday in South Africa we have been planning for years. Okay, not quite the same but the feeling will be there.

Afterwards we are going back to the hotel and having a Euro Vision party, basically listening to cheesy music, eating food and drinking beverages from participating countries and exploring the world via Google Streetmap.

To some people this might seem tame or silly, but put yourselves in our shoes. It's going to be epic.

Oh and then I have Lana del Rey tickets for Sunday night. This weekend is going to be unbelievably brilliant.

Work hard, party harder

I've always been extremely dedicated to my job, especially as I have been in full time employment since I was 18 and have always had to undertake a lot of responsibility. To be honest I've never minded that, I loved the bookshop job I had as a teenager and I adore the sector I have worked in since I was 19, even though my role has changed and evolved since then.

I think partly because of my dedication to work I have never been that much of a party girl. Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments. The bookshop Christmas party in 2004 and my colleagues birthday the same year being stand out moments, as were several of my work nights out much later on.

I did my share of drinking, did my share of getting drunk and decided that I much preferred being the sober designated driver and letting everyone else enjoy the alcohol than I did getting drunk myself.

In fact for quite a long time I took that to such the extreme that actually I turned down a drink at new year one year, and Christmas and my birthday.

Yet somewhere along the line something changed. When Emma and I started our weekends away last year we always enjoyed more than a few drinks, especially when they were being paid for by someone else - the girl is a genius at convincing people they want to buy us drinks. Last spring before she emigrated, her returns in September and December, and our weekend in London definitely weren't sober experiences.

And I think I then decided to make friends. I'm very anti social, or at least I can be on occasion, and it had been the longest time since I had socialised properly with colleagues. Since I met my new colleague in March we have done after work drinks at least once a week, sometimes more.

And this isn't just one drink either, as my tipsy tweets will testify to.

For a girl who stopped drinking I now enjoy a few glasses of wine or some cocktails every few days and I'm loving it. Do I drink too much? No. Do I drink a lot? No. But do I enjoy going for a few drinks and chilling out? Yes.

I think I work hard. In fact I know that I do. I think I only just realised though that you can party too without it impacting on anything. A smiley person is a more productive person. And these days I'm smiling a lot!

Time is passing

This year I've been counting down to many things. Concerts. Holidays. Places to go, people to see. Every plan I make right now has a time attached to it or a deadline date.

Which given the circumstances is odd, because in reality what I want the least is for time to pass.

Six months from December is June. Six months from December is the ending of an era and a time when my resolve to stay smiling may break just a little.

And yet still I count down with the excitement of a child in a sweet shop. Could it be that in recognising the passage of time I am trying to grow accustomed to the situation occurring around me? Or is it just that time has more meaning when you know that it is finite?

Smile though your heart is breaking

Sometimes things seem hard and the road seems all uphill. Sometimes the sky seems dark and there are too many clouds.

Smile

I know that seems mad but you have to try. Yes it's okay to be sad sometimes, in fact it is healthy, but do try to smile.

Because when your heart is breaking, as hard as it is you should look beyond the cloudy sky and remember that even if you can't see them, there are still stars twinkling in the darkness.

The stars still smile back, even when you're in too dark a place to notice.

So keep smiling and remember you are not alone. Even in your blackest hour someone is still there holding out their hand and offering a smile.

You might just not be ready to see it yet.

Fish, Chips and Notting Hill Gate

This is a reworking of a post I put up last year on a previous blog. 

I have been told many times in recent years that I amuse people when I talk, which doesn’t sound like the most ringing endorsement does it? This started with my sister and my mum pulling me up over how I say a particular set of words (more on that in a second) and has now escalated to other people noticing particular phrases I apparently say differently to the rest of the world.

Bizarrely all of the offending phrases contain three words and it transpires most people say them with the same rhythm they use in normal speech, whereas apparently I do not. I cannot hear a difference when I am just chattering away but if someone repeats it back to me how they advise I say it even I have to throw up a chuckle.

So what precisely do I say that is weird?

It all started on a trip to London to visit Portobello Road market, which my sister, mum and I used to love doing. We would get a tube across town and alight at Notting Hill Gate station. Say that aloud, Notting Hill Gate. Done it?

Right well apparently most people say Notting Hill Gate as three distinct words within their normal speaking pattern, as in Notting-Hill-Gate, three beats, four syllables. It turns out I say the equivalent of Notting Hillgate, dropping any spacing between the last two words and turning it into a word of its own. The fact I also say it with a slight inflection just draws attention to it.

I know it sounds minor and it is, I mean I don’t even say it that often but it amused them and every time we have been there since I have been forced to repeat it to make them laugh. I thought that was it, just one place in the world I cannot say correctly.

It turns out I was wrong.

Last summer we were arranging a family gathering in nearby Richmond Park and I was discussing the parking situation with my mum. I pointed out that the only car park likely to have enough space was Robin Hood Gate. Again, say that aloud. Robin-Hood-Gate, three beats, four syllables. We didn’t end up using the park in the end but Robin Hoodgate was born, with the same inflection and merged words. It turns out that I have a tendency to create my own language some times.

But then it just went bonkers.

I was ordering lunch with some friends and I wanted cod, chips and mushy peas. I asked for fish and chips and my friends were in stitches, because apparently my version sounds more like Fish Handchips. That definitely doesn’t sound English and even when it does it makes me sound like a really excitable child who is desperate for dinner. Of course I explained the story about Notting Hillgate and they then spent the rest of the day asking people to say that aloud. I was the only one who said it distinctively as two words rather than three.

As I said, it is just a silly thing but a silly thing that I cannot find anyone else who in the world who says the same as I do. And it turns out that these aren’t the only things I say incorrectly, but more on that another time.

So if you ever travel through Notting Hill Gate station or order Fish and Chips, think of me. I am the one who cannot say those words without amusing someone even if I don’t know I am doing it. And all it has done is make me question, if I say these words incorrectly, what else do I say that is out of sync with the rest of the English speaking population?

Random oddness, but then that describes me quite well.

Sleep is for people without anything better to do

You would think I'd be tired this week. I've had very little sleep, work has been busy and there is a lot going on. And yet bizarrely I'm not tired at all.

Sleep deprivation is something I am sure my body has grown used to over the years and I've definitely done my fair share of nights without sleep, managing to function the second day reasonably well considering.

I've always been a night owl and I've always been someone who doesn't need much sleep, even as a child I used to drive my parents up the wall by failing to go to sleep until the middle of the night.

People often ask what I do with my time at midnight, 2am, 4am even but that for me is simple. I'm wide awake despite the hour so I spend my time reading, writing or ticking things off the to do list. Nothing like sorting out your banking at one in the morning.

I don't understand how some people can trundle off to bed at 10pm like there isn't a whole world of things to do. I'm my most productive and alert in the middle of the night and I like to capitalise on this.

I've definitely decided that sleep is for people without anything better to do. That isn't me, I've more than enough to keep me occupied and I like being up half the night. If my body can tolerate it and I'm smiling, there is definitely no reason not to consider 3am a perfectly valid time right?

And amusingly the people I talk to the most all seem to agree with me. If I slept more I would miss out on randomly brilliant middle of the night conversations. Wouldn't want that!

So here is to not sleeping and enjoying being up when the rest of the country sleeps. Loving the darkness!

People Should Smile More

I guess I hadn't realised that I stopped smiling until recently I had reason to start again.

It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day list of work related chores and the to do list of doom, and because that is full of things that I have to do as opposed to wanting to do them it is harder to complete them with a smile.

Don't get me wrong, my life has not been miserable recently and I've had a lot of giggles, especially over drinks after work, but however much I love my job permitting it to be the only dominating force in my life was a mistake.

It was only when I took the time out for a few days just to step away from the endless busy hectic nature of my daily life and spent some time chilling out and focusing on things that I love and want to be a part of that I realised how much I had missed smiling.

Yesterday I could have spent the bank holiday working, instead after an hour or two I switched off the laptop and wrote instead. For hours and hours. And I loved it.

So today as I travel to work I'm taking the time to think and I'm smiling. Possibly to the point other people might think me strange, but you know what: I don't mind. Because people should smile more, and take the time to appreciate the things in life that really matter.

It’s the little things that make me smile.

I’ve just spent four days in Glasgow with the lovely Anny/Toni (I am not sure how weird it is that even I’m not certain what my default name for her is, it appears to change every time I am asked!). She was an excellent tour guide, far better than she gave herself credit for, and I had a brilliant time exploring Glasgow, Edinburgh and the shopping opportunities, even if my credit card now hates me.

However the moments that will stay with me the longest aren’t seeing a castle or being in Scotland specifically (notwithstanding hearing someone pronounce police as “polis” like in Taggart or my new adoration of the word wee!), no those moments were great and Scotland was incredibly welcoming, but the things I loved the most were those which just involved sitting.

I live my life all in a rush, with people and things to be dealt with at all times, a work laptop that is almost constantly on and a blackberry that wakes me up in the middle of the night with things to do. Yes there are periods of time when I am doing very little, but these are usually tinged with the guilt of not tackling anything on my mammoth to do list.

Don’t get me wrong, that ever lengthening list still exists, but for the past four days I knew I had earned a proper break with no guilt attached to just sitting. And sit we did, in fact I am sure we made quite an art form out of it.

There were the four hours in Wetherspoons on Thursday afternoon, the two in an Edinburgh café and a further three in a restaurant on Friday, the few hours in various bars on Saturday accompanied by two more in a restaurant and the three and a half hours on Sunday back in our favourite haunt! I doubt we spent more than the cost of a reasonably priced meal and drink in any of them, put it this way if everyone did what we did the food and drink industry would fast go out of business.

If either of us had been concerned we would have nothing to say to each other I think that worry was quickly dispelled too, because when I say we were sitting what I mean is sitting in a comfortable environment chatting like we had known each other forever. I mean yes, we have spoken on twitter and via email constantly for over a year, but that doesn’t guarantee how you will take to someone in person – although I had no doubt in my mind that I already would feel at home with Toni. So despite this being our first physical meeting, I don’t think that stopped us talking about anything.

If I had my way my main conversation topics in life would be about writing or television dramas other people were writing, but there are few people in my life that I could ever speak to about that. It isn’t that people would dismiss me, more that it isn’t a topic that interests them or that they understand. The madness in my head that is script or fic ideas or complicated elaborate back stories for characters I watch on TV would be just that to someone else – absolute madness. I knew that this was one person I did not have to hide the crazy from, but I don’t think until we had spent time together just sitting and debating Casualty, fanfic, scripts and our own fictional musings I realised quite how much I would value that.

Or how inspiring it could be!

Somewhere along the way last year I stopped writing regularly, or at all really, perhaps in part down to the amount of work hanging over my head and then not helped by the weight of expectation I felt coming out of the scriptwriting course I recently participated in. However based on the time spent chattering all around the houses I’ve already written and edited a one shot, become all excited about finishing my two ongoing fics, reinvigorated my love for my Sophie story and planned enough writing to keep me going all year. I am scheduling a day each week to write, I will stop procrastinating and I am going to find more time to sit because it really does make all the difference.

I can only hope that I gave Toni half of that inspiration in return, because she is certainly the most incredibly talented story creator and story teller I’ve ever known and just being part of that for a few short days was the most amazing experience.

So what do I want to say? I want to say thank you to Toni for being the loveliest tour guide / hostess, for all the laughs we shared, advice you gave and the time we just spent sitting – putting the world to rights, fictional or otherwise. You made me feel comfortable to just be me, all my weirdness and all, and you have inspired me to write again. And sit, a lot more. Thank you for the friendship, for just understanding the madness, for the memories and for your time – oh and roll on Wales 2014. Just think how much we will both have written by then and how many more stories we will have to tell when we spend some more time just sitting together.

Oh and I promise I will finish Sophie, just for you. And collect a Café Nero hot chocolate every day when I go through the station to remember the smiles. You really are one in a million and you’ve given me more inspiration these past few days than you could ever possibly know. Thank you Toni, for everything. 

A message from Emma

It isn’t much, a text of just four simple words followed by a kiss:

“I’m proud of you x”

You may ask why, given that all I have done is travel to Glasgow and back to visit a friend but there is significance to this event that even I have only just begun to comprehend.

If I had my choice I would spend the rest of my life travelling the world with Emma, of that there is no doubt, but choice and time are against me and she will soon be departing this life. A year ago when she was emigrating I told her that I couldn’t do this without her, that I needed her by my side, little knowing how poignant those words would be today.

And yes, I do still need her, I do still want her and I would give the world for her to stay, but in her eyes my little jaunt up north to Scotland was my way of proving that I can do this on my own. I can reach out to people who aren’t her, I can make plans for the future, I can find someone to talk to who understands me in a way I thought no one else except her would, and I can smile. A genuine smile of happiness.

I think Emma needed to know I could do that. I think I needed to know I could do that. It may only have been a short hop to Glasgow, but it was a million miles of reassurance because it meant so much more than just a few days break. It means that I have tomorrow, when Emma only has today and it means that I am learning to accept that I have a future without her. Nothing burns more than that, but nothing was more necessary than making sure I could deal with it.

So I had a weepy moment on the plane and part of me wanted to just run to give her a hug. But actually she is proud of me for taking baby steps. I don’t think anything means more to me than that. 

Today I have Emma and I have smiley memories of a lovely break in a city I'd never been to before. Tomorrow I have the future, and whilst I know it will hurt to lose her, she wants me to be okay and to treasure her memory I am going to be just that.